Kiss it! Spank it! Tranny!

God Opened the Window so You can Jump Out of It...

2010-06-25T15:31:00.003-04:00

Shalom Everyone,

I am now officially counting down the hours until Straight Lady is officially on her way to Lawn Guyland for the next three years. Its funny. She's going for an amazing reason (to get her PhD to help kids that were hit by cars and stuff walk again)...but everyone seems to be more worried about me. Here's how most interactions go:

Straight Lady: I'm moving to NYC to go to Columbia

Co-worker, Friend, Random Ugly Flat Wearing Hoe on the Street: That's AWESOME. (in a whisper) How's JJ?

I mean people that I've never met are asking about my well being. Like I'm going to be some kind of suicide case after she leaves. Well let me set the record straight...You are correct! I will be taking sign-ups for JJ Throws Himself Out the Balcony Window Watch 2k10. I'm fairly certain one of two things are going to happen. 1. I'll lay in bed until my legs atrophy (sp?) OR 2. I'll surround myself with constant attention for the next three years that I won't even know Straight Lady moved. If its the former be sure to stop by and dust me off so I don't become plebian looking and if its the latter be sure and think of ways to keep my mind constantly occupied All The Time! :)

Thank goodness for Starfish to help keep me sane and be my local bestie while Straight Lady learns how to save deaf babies with bad wrists.

The moving man comes tommorrow and by man I mean Straight Lady's mom. What? She's going to help with the heavy lifting. Lord knows I don't do "manual" labor. Ha! Kidding. We're all chipping in to help get them on the road as soon as possible after sharing a love embrace that might shatter the very fabric of space/time.

I miss you already kiddo. Go do great things.

No Thank You

2010-06-15T12:57:00.002-04:00

I know you are all on the edge of your seats wondering when I was going to return to posting useless shit about my social life and commenting on the terrible fashion of others and my extreme hatred of places swarming with Mexican children like Kohl's and Marshalls. Well I've returned.

You're welcome :)

I decided to brush the dust off this beast and start writing again. It seemed fairly therapeutic and its been a long time since I've had to work things out so what better time to pick up the habit of commenting on your disgusting use of ballet flats and my inability hold down a boyfriend?! There isn't one that I can think of or care to for more than five minutes so here we go. I hope you're ready. Even though I'm not sure that I am...which is to say that I am actually ready but not sure if I'm going to keep it up longer than twice in three months. Its just a real situation you, as my readers, have to face. What I say now my very well be a "roll over and introduce yourself" moment tomorrow; forgettable. But we'll see.

Since we last discussed I was blissfully dating. Vom. Who does that? Blissfully date? I don't get it. It was a good go and there were some pretty fantastic times that I will and do miss but things didn't work out. Probably for the best. Its all still pretty fresh so I don't want to discuss it much further other than I did break my 30 day streak and lasted close to four months.

I always learn something coming out of these little chapters that make up my life story: This time it was that I have no business dating. I'm high maintenance and way more personality than Patty Simcox on Redbull. Seriously. But at least I recognize it and have decided that I've got a lot to work on...like not being homeless in a month...before I will allow myself to be up for bids on who thinks they can tackle my crazy this month. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my freedom and focus on self-discovery bullshit like reading self help books, studying for my GRE's, and learning how to be a better person...

Ok. Ok. I'm saying it and I'm not even buying it. Shit. Let's be real: I'm going to dick around, read trashy gay novels, and the only self discovery I'm going to come to is what flavor of Burnetts vodka is my favorite. So far its Peach.

I now have less than two weeks until Straight Lady goes back to NYC for the next 3 years and am attempting to mentally prepare myself for her departure and a serious drop in my social life. Although without the ole ball and chain I tend to make bad decisions but fuck it! I'll wrap it in to my self discovery MO and deal with it when I'm in therapy in 10 years along with my other ongoing issues tying mostly about my mother and her smothering yet unloving personality. Kidding. Well only a little.

Well I think that's a fresh start and enough for now. Can't write about things too much then I really won't have anything to say for another posting.

JJ

Some People Call Me Insensitive...

2010-04-06T15:45:00.002-04:00

Some people call me insensitive to their feelings. I respond by laughing and telling them to get over it.

Anyway. How have you been? Enjoying the lovely weather we've been having I hope...WITH appropriate clothing choices. Please recall my thoughts on denim attire of the skirt persuasion in my last post! And boys, short shorts only acceptable after Memorial Day and we still got a couple weeks yet. Speaking of which...Memorial Day weekend IS in fact around the corner which means none other than the vacation trip I've been waiting for all year long: a trip to the Outer Banks to my parents' beach house! Nothing like a week at the beach with my best friends and lots of booze, sun, more booze, AND the Jolly Roger. All I'm going to say is that the waiting area has a pirate gift shoppe. Get. Out. Of. My. Face....With Excitement and Joy!!!!

Things are still going well with "The Boy." I haven't come up with a nickname for him yet. Mostly because he doesn't want to be mentioned so I think I'll stick with "The Boy" to keep on the safe, non-offending side of the blogging world. I value my sex life very much ;) Kidding! (No I'm not). We made it official. Woo! Met his mother this past weekend. Woo! My first ever meeting-of-the-family experience. It went well, I think. Went to Central for dinner...delish! I was, of course, right in saying that she was going to be exhausted by the time dinner rolled about from walking everywhere. The Boy felt the need to show her DC all in one day. And he did. All of it. All. Of. It. But she had a good time and we had a nice dinner. Next time she visits though her and I have made plans to drink wine and relax all day on the National Mall...now that's my kind of lady!

In other news. I'm throwing myself off a cliff. Straight Lady has been (grudgingly overjoyed) accepted to Columbia University for pediatric physical therapy masters program. Yay for rehabilitating crack babies and hit and runs in america's loveliest of ghettos! So she will be leaving my sweet mother-loving arms in the middle of summer :( At least she'll be going to make the big bucks and support our child...or Asian baby when she gets through the program. That and buy me nice things in style to which, in my head, I should be accustomed to. In the meantime, I need to find a way to start making more money and that may be calling for more drastic measures. This kid is tired of not being able to take care of himself and live in an appropriate apartment and have a normal life without having to worry about basement bugs unless I choose to do so. This quest stresses me the HELL out.

This post is boring. Lame. Sorry.

JJ

Yes, that dress does make you look like a Fat Sally Bam-a-Lam

2010-03-18T09:54:00.003-04:00

Shalom and a heif readers,

Its been a few weeks since my last post and not much has changed. However! I can now fully release, to the public, that I have been seeing someone AND they have lasted more than 30 days. Yes. Shocking. Crazy! I know! I'm not even really sure where to start because the story is so long and complicated and messy...kind of like the outfit I saw on the train this morning. You get one nice day of weather and all the straight people think its acceptable to bust out jean skirts. #1 Jean skirts aren't flattering on anyone over the waist size of 4 and #2 Slow your roll with the summer gear! Its mid-March and yet plenty of time to introduce your spring and summer wardrobe over the next few weeks without dragging your size 14 ass around in a jean skirt and flip flops. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, so this guy. He doesn't get a name yet. He doesn't even want to be in the blog so I'll stick to the bigger picture here. Jack has broken his 30 day curse. I will not proceed to revisit the history of dating disasters I've experienced over the past year and a half. You can read that for yourself. But, it seems as though things are still continuing to go well. I suppose it helped that we were friends first and my crazy was already out on the table. Front and center. Like a floral arrangement from Tuesday Morning. All in all things are really great. A few other things are also really great...but again sticking with the bigger picture. Pun intended ;)

A few weeks ago the gays and a select few vagines gathered around for Liza Minnelli DVD release party: Liza at the Palace. It was glorious. Nothing says queer like crudite and vodka/gin martinis whilst watching Liza at the Palace on DVD in front a fire. Lesson learned from that evening: Its never a good idea to drink martinis on an empty stomache and its definitely not a good idea to make your own blue cheese stuffed olives and its also not a good idea to go to JRs after. Fail. Epically. For all parties involved.

Other news: not sure I have any. Nothing remotely exciting enough to be made in to a Lifetime movie. I guess no news can be good news which is really boring news for you all. I'd really like to move out of my basement room in Fairfax and get in to the city by May. Cross your fingers. Otherwise I'll be sleeping in my Mazda3. Which is totally fine and comfy I might add. Straight Lady got in to 3.5 million grad school programs...the most important one being Columbia. Not really sure what's going to happen if she moves but I'm not looking that far ahead unless I have to...I might fall apart.

My social calendar is totes full through the end of the month and April is filling up fast. If you want to hang out its probably a good idea to make an appointment now. Seriously. Tomorrow is game night with Miss Procras and friends and then an all male version of Grease presented by the Gay Men's chorus on Saturday...Love it! That is all.

Peace,

JJ

Next Topic: No one gives a Sh*t? Stew on that!

2010-02-25T10:53:00.003-05:00

Shalom. Good day. Hello. How are you?

So many things to talk about and so much of it off limits to the public eye! I totally contradict myself in saying that because lord knows ya'll bitches know everything else going on in my life. However, the last two months have lent themselves to quite the rollercoaster of crazy, some of which I just don't care to talk about at the moment!

I will say that I have dated one gentleman in the past two months that turned out to be crazy! Ok well maybe not crazy but definitely unique. Profile: 39 years old, in the military, a doctor. Done deal right? All he needed to be was Jewish and I'd be set for life! For. Life. We went on a few dates but he was rather intense about spending the rest of our lives together and I wasn't ready for that kind of committment. Not when I was in financial crises...more on that in a minute. So I called it off....BUT the tranny left me a voicemail message a couple days later asking someone ELSE out on a date! It was a total He's Just Not That Into You moment but, excuse me, but I'm the one Not Into YOU. Analysis: Strange coincidence and a minor error on his part to call Jerry instead or Ray? Or an act of crazy ultimately leading to my death and my life story turned into, yet another glorious Lifetime movie? You decide. Let me know. That is all on that subject!

Next topic: my finances. Due to a little angel called my Tax Return I was able to pay off all the back parking tickets I owe, my HOV violation, and renew my license plates for two years. Trainwreck Travis (me) is on its way to Shiny Time Station! I'm not completely out of the water yet, but I'm a helluva lot closer than I was 3 months ago. Hopefully, now I can fully throw all of my focus on saving money to move in to my very own apartment closer to the city. I concede that its going to be a sardine can BUT it'll all be worth it :) I'm also working a lot part time, which puts a blow on my downtime but I'm focused and moving forward and that's all there is to it!

Next topic: I have a confession. I purchased a wearable item from Target. I knowwwwwww!! It was a belt so don't get crazy. I needed a black belt and I lost mine and it was a last minute decision. I fully intend to drag my shameful ass over to Banana to rectify this heinous crime I've committed against all of my readers and humanity. I am ashamed and should be punished accordingly. Thoughts? I still turn my nose up at Kohl's, Marshalls, and TJ-Craps-a-lot so that hasn't changed!

Next topic: My new iPhone is like crack. I get it now. Fully in the club. Done! The only thing that's worse than having everything at my fingertips on a constant basis is the Sally's Spa Application. (Spanks Miss Procras.) There are no words to what this mind blowing piece of technology does to my free time. It might as well go in the addiction book for the sheer fact that it has similar effects to that of Crank. If you have an iPhone you can download a free trial version. For those that don't have an iPhone; you're a loser.

Final topic: I don't really have a final topic. I've been sleeping well. Drinking less. Working more. And all around a big happy camper. This month is the year anniversary of one of my very best friends in the world passing away so that's not so fun to think about, but I wanted to give her a shout out. I think of you just about everyday kiddo. And when I pass away some day I'd want to go with my favorite heels and hand bag too :) Love you. Miss you.

That's it for today. See you in two months. (Hopefully not though!!)

Jack

New Year's Resolutions and Your Mom

2010-01-04T15:47:00.002-05:00

Hi Readers!

Love you! Miss you! I hope you all had a great holiday and a Happy New Year! I'm still alive after surviving five whole days with my mother! I suppose they won't be making my lifetime movie just yet but there will be plenty more opportunities to extricate mediocre plot lines from my life, give it a long title, and star Tori Spelling and Tracy Gold in their comeback television roles!

My New Year's celebrations were pretty great. All you straight bitches out there who paid $100 plus dollars to get in to an open bar somewhere are missing out on the joy of a simple dinner and after party. Nothing screams a good time than a well cooked pork loin and fantastic wine. Moving on to a party thrown by a gay couple who designed the contemporary chic building they live in makes for a great transition into an ultimately amazing evening. Going forward to JR's for midnight toasting with my favorite local gays and ending up drunkenly dancing off some of the inebriation at Cobalt until 3:30 in the morning. Guess how much that shit cost me? $36 dollars including the $10 dollar cover in to Cobalt. So I actually only spent $26 on drinks making that 75% savings compared to a lot of my straight friends. Fuck Sandra Lee and her Money Saving Meals...move over for Just Jack and Money Saving Holiday Party Planning. All told the straights this year epically failed in ringing in the New Year's without being a tranny!

As far as New Year's resolutions go. I have none. I could sit here and say I'll go to the gym more, eat healthier, be less mean but let's be honest, it ain't happening. I will say that, in this new year, I have a couple prospective dates coming up with some attractive older gentleman and I've found my twin gay. We've decided to take on the world one personality and bad outfit at a time like crime fighting supergay socialites! Loves it!

Peace out for now!

JJ

All I Want For Christmas Is You...So Long as you leave the Ugg Boots at home

2009-12-20T22:09:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting at home contemplating my next movie choice. Its Sunday and its been a wonderful day of laying about and watching movies. I did leave temporarily to go to Target to acquire the latest installment in the Harry Potter series but have remained a hermit ever since.

Snowpocalypse 2k9 took everyone by surprise but I love snow and had a great weekend of Holiday parties and gatherings with good friends.

Since I'll probably be MIA for a while I'd thought I take a moment to write a nice little holiday posting to send us off in to the new year. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas but I know two days in to being home with my parents I'm going to want to strangle my mother and come back to the solace of DC. I'm going to try to remain as sedated as possible by imbibing lots of bourbon and sitting in my room watching ridiculous amounts of tv. This year will be a bit different because my grandparents and aunt and uncle will be joining us. My mother is going to be through the roof with stress because 1. Its company she has to entertain and 2. She works retail at Macy's and will probably be working ALL the time. Being cranky from working long hours and entertaining the inlaws mixed with menopause makes for a Lifetime movie: I Hung Myself at Christmas Because I Couldn't Deal with My Mother: The Ray Bracken story.

In all honestly I hope its not that bad and I enjoy my time there. I will be getting an iPhone for Christmas and will hopefully be preoccupied with playing with that for five days. I'm a little annoyed though because I have a completely and truly gay tradition of getting drunk and watching Beauty and the Beast while my family is at Midnight Mass. If my grandparents don't accompany them then I won't be able to pop in the VHS that truly kicks off my Christmas holiday. I have a back up plan though... my roommate has the DVD version of the movie and, aside from having to trek downstairs every time I need a refill on my cocktail, I should be able to hole myself in my room and enjoy the disney classic that makes my Christmas Eve... well... Christmas Eve! Go ahead and judge but nothing says hello Christmas like inappropriate amounts of bourbon and Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Pots :)

But judge away, lord knows I've judged you enough.

Not sure what the latest trends are in gifting this year. I didn't ask for much. The iPhone, a suit, Grey's Anatomy on DVD, and some cologne. Totes doable! I feel bad that I didn't get anyone anything but money is a bit short at the moment mainly because some fuckface decided to break in to my car. Hello bill for having to replace my passenger side window. Happy Holidays Bitch! Hope you're enjoying my digital camera and passport... oh and all my bills from parking tickets that I haven't paid since February. Does that mean I don't have to pay them? "Sorry Fairfax County... my bills were stolen, can't pay! BYE!"

Still on the hunt for a boyfriend. That's nothing new. I asked for one from Santa last year and got it... but we all know how that tragedy ended. This year I'm going to enjoy my iPhone and the Grinder application and just have as much sex as possible. Kidding! No I'm not... ok yes I am but only because I'll just go out and find someone in person. Makes being a whore more satisfying I think. In any case, I was told I have a big personality to deal with. True, but as my coworker put it "If you don't like it, keep walking!" Boom! And I agree. Oh well no point in thinking about it to death. I have much better things to do with my time... like eat my Ka-Pop popcorn and catch the latest episode of Modern Family!

Happy Trannydays :)

See you in the new year!

MWAH!

Rude! You Can Have a Diet Fresca!

2009-11-29T17:50:00.003-05:00

Oh Boy! Its been, per usual, lots of weeks since my last posting. I'm not going to apologize because:

1. I don't have time to blog on a regular basis...if you're one of those people who do then you

a. Have way to much time on your hands or;

b. Feel that self entitled to share every moment of your, probably uninteresting, life with the blogoshphere.

2. I don't apologize to anyone unless its court ordered.

I don't really have a particular topic for this posting other than to share a few thoughts and experiences I've had over the past month. Lots has been going on with work, also per ususal. We just opened a huge version of As You Like It. Let's all cross our fingers that it does well financially. If not, then I'm placing bets you're going to find my body on the news because the costume and props shops took the company hostage and systematically killed everyone with sewing needles and hot glue guns, starting with the Senior Staff of course, because its the biggest show Shakespeare Theatre has ever taken on. Failing is NOT an option people so come see the show, bring all your friends, and spend lots of money in the gift shop during intermission. This girl has bills to pay and needs your money to pay my salary so I can get my monthly supply of spaghetti o's. Real. Situation.

Personal life. I'm not sure where to begin...the random hook up or the potential new guy. I'm not sure that I want to go in to either. Random hook ups can be satisfying but its not really who I am. However desperate times dictate that its a necessary part of a normal homo's life. Ask any gay man. If they tell you that they don't every go home with anyone they're probably telling you the truth because they subscribe to Manhunt, Grinder, or default Fact. Of. Life. Potential new guy...blah. It was going great at first but then defaulted to email tag and tentative plans to get together that didn't pan out. Its fine though. Can't force things to work out. Besides its holiday time. Plenty of opportunities to meet a handsome gent at a holiday party complete with bad sweater choices and terribly made baked goods. Thank goodness you can't screw up vodka. However, we all know what happened last holiday season...I met Rescue Me Joe. Needless to say I'll take better care to avoid that situation again.

In following suit with my lack of money (because I work for a non-profit and have the salary of a first year secretary who's still learning how to use the copier on the 4th floor while casually swapping dating advice in the break room whilst eating my lean cuisine) please refer to last year's Christmas Post. I've decided to stay away from the pine cone motif...it was so two Christmas's ago. This year I might upgrade to hallmark holiday cards that express how much all of you mean to me during this holiday time. I love handwriting notes...mostly because I like my own handwriting that much...but it'll be a nice gesture and way less work than arts and crafting my way through Christmas!

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I hope you all enjoyed growing extra buttcheeks with the amount of food that's traditionally consumed on this holiday celebrating our gratefulness of the Native American race being wiped out to make room for our Starbucks :) My mother was acting like a tranny as always...even more so because we had the in-laws over and my aunt and uncle over. Stress level...through the roof. I wanted to feed her a colonopin and a glass of wine and sit her on the couch but, I was too busy consuming all the red wine and bourbon I could get my hands on and holed myself upstairs playing Mario Kart on Wii with my brother and sister. Straight Lady came too because she didn't get to go home for Turkey Day. It wasn't quite the hot mess of Spanks Living 2K8: please refer to the Rainbow Plant post last November. I would link it but its not working and I'm moving on.

All in all life is what it is at the moment. Still trying to financially right myself in this economy. I've tried embracing a lot of the Recessionista lifestyle as possible...particularly by bitchslapping the Walmart with my credit card when I visit my parents. Nothing says Recessionista like 88 cent cans of spaghetti o's and all the $2 bags of doritos one can get your hands on!

Please be wary of your wardrobe choices this Holiday season. Chances are if Forever 21 thinks its in style...might be a good idea to stay away from it. And I will not waste my time harping on appropriate footwear. You should know my opinions on that subject like the back of your hand! And it should always be understood but I'll say it again: Kohl's, Tranny Max, and Marshall's = mexicans and bad bargains. Stay away! Hit up Macy's; they are always having a sale!

Much love!!

P.S. Here's to New Year's! I'll go ahead and clarify that I'll be hitting up the usual gay places on 17th in DC. No lines, no covers, easy bar access. I will not be going anywhere near places that want to charge me $120 for an open bar and cold appetizers catered by Safeway with thousands of straight people that don't know better than to get shitfaced and throw up their champagne on their newly purchased dress that probably came from Target. You're more than welcome to join me :) Won't be quite the same as, say NYC, but you couldn't pay me enough money to be there on New Year's anyway!

Attention: Emergency Bulletin

2009-10-18T18:29:00.001-04:00

I appreciate Straight Lady and would die without her. Even though she owns pink crocs, I will compromise for the sanctity of our friendship and our unborn child so named Skimpleshanks.

JJ

Update: My Life and Things Not Appropriate To Buy From Target

2009-10-15T14:23:00.003-04:00

For real, I've been terrible about keeping up with the blog lately. No excuses. I'm just lazy and I haven't really had that many terribly exciting things to discuss and share. Which could be a good thing. Maybe you all are taking my advice and thinking twice before leaving the house in what you think is a good outfit which, in essence, means the blog is working ;)

Anywho, in my last posting I stated that my celibacy streak was over. Now don't get too excited it barely even counts. I totally only made it to second base but, I still counts none-the-less...and therefore I must divulge.

A couple Friday's ago I was left to my own devices and met a couple of friends out for drinks without the watchful eye of Straight Lady. Sometimes its good to leave the ball and chain and her CROCS at home, it usually leads to bad decision making and, in conclusion, a good story the next morning. Ok so I'm at JR's (the usually watering hole) and I have maybe one too many cocktails. This gentleman we'll call Mr. Nice Guy caught my attention early on in the evening and complimented me on my outfit which included a certain purple argyle sweatervest. (I need to get a new one as I'm sure my friends are tired of seeing that one because its the only one I own and a quick fix to me not knowing what to wear that evening). It happened again later in the evening and at this point I was like alright maybe I'll get something out of this... its been 4 months.

There's a lot of flirting back and forth and a lot of awkward moments between me and the boy Mr. Nice Guy was paying attention to before I walked in to the picture. What can I say, I'm pretty to look at. Eventually he leaves and kind of in an annoyed way. So, knowing how to play the game I texted him and, not to my surprise, got an invite back to his place. Now, I'd like to step in and make a disclaimer here: I was not doing anything for the sole intention of having a random encounter. We had previously discussed dinner plans the following week which I agreed to; it just so happens I wanted dessert now. I'm not patient sometimes.

Let's fast forward to the next morning. I wake up and the flood of memories of what just happened to my life in the last 12 hours come rushing back in. Mr. Nice guy and I went to bed, got naked, and then nothing happened. He liked me so much that he didn't want to fool around. FML dude, I could have kept my underwear on...tiny as they were, they couldn've stayed there. THEN I remember that he has friends coming over shortly to meet him so they can all go on the Cancer/AIDS/Sickle Cell/Polio/Tranny/I Love Life Walk?? and I'm like...Time. To. Go....Now! I begin to gather my things and proceed to put on my shoes when the phone rings; "Yeah give me a second, I'll be right there." Seriously fucked here as the apartment is a small studio with one entrance and yes, I had to walk past his two friends who had no idea I was there on my walk of shame through the gayberhood on my way to my car.

It was definitely an experience I don't care to ever relive. Not only did I need to go home and finish a few things that got started but never finished, but I did the walk of shame for nothing. We tried to plan dinner for the week, but I was sick, he was busy, plans kept changing, blah blah blah...vom. Eventually we met at JR's the following Saturday where there were literally a dozen people I was conversing with. I'm not sure if he was drunk or just that clingy but he left after a while and I got a text message that said "Guess you lost interest. So I went home."

Wow. Who died and made you Queen of Genovia because I did not vote for you! Well I'm sorry he felt that way but, seeing as how he really didn't know anything about me, my dating history or without me running a background check to make sure his work attire didn't come from Target layaway; that reaction was not warrented. Sure he's a super nice guy and probably just as lonely as I am in my search to find one true love, or at this point a good lay BUT slow your roll. I'm the clingy one, I can't be babysitting anyone but myself bitches. Mmmmkay?

On a completely different tangent. I marched in the Equality March this past Sunday. Awesome! Heard a couple choice speakers give their two cents to the cause and got a beautiful glow that will save me from having to apply extra self-tanner for the next two weeks. Sweet dude! Seriously. Bronzer compacts can be expeeeeensive!

Upcoming events: High Heel Race. I'm not participating but eagerly watching from inside the warm bar with a cocktail. And Halloween. I need cute costume ideas. Right now the front runner is Risky Business. A Christmas Carol. Not sure I'm in it but I'm costuming the mother. That's all. BYE!

Love you mean it! (most of the time)!

Mama Mia, What an Evening!

2009-09-28T12:57:00.004-04:00

As you may recall in my last post I was about to entertain the Vice President and his wife, Dr. Biden, for an evening at the theatre. Let me share with you my evening.

I was gearing up all day to meet the Biden's. I met with the Secret Service to go over the entire building and choreograph their entrances, exits, and emergencies escape pods. (Ok well they didn't have those but they might as well have)! Anyway, they leave and I go back to the office to round out my day before heading back to the theatre to meet them again at 6:15.

Ok, I need to interject for a second. I began writing this post over a week ago and then failed to finish it...so I'm going to do so now and then proceed to post another entry because there have been developments in my celibacy streak...more to come.

Alright, back to the Biden's. So I head back to the theatre to meet the Secret Service Agent...who, by the way, was hot! We go over the plan again and I have been tasked with closing the loading dock door once the Biden's were in. After which I was to enter the theatre and await to be introduced before taking them to their seats.

I had one job to do. ONE job....and I fucked it up.

Apparently there isn't just one open/close panel but two. The one I saw was inside the loading dock next to the door. So I'm thinking "I'll press the close button, the door will come down and all will be right with the world." The car pulls up with the motorcade and the parks in the loading dock. I get the signal from the hot SS agent and push the button. The button I have just pushed activated the metal door above my head, not the one to the outside. I quickly press stop and frantically look at the SS agent who's telling me its inside and half yelling/watching over the VP and Dr. Biden. I begin to freak out, quickly look around inside for another panel to close the loading dock door and eventually find it hidden behind the propped door.

Needless to say, matters of national security should not be placed in my hands. Ever. Again.

To wrap up, I meet the Biden's (super nice) and take them to their seats. After the show I escorted them backstage to meet with my bosses for a photo op and Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper were waiting backstage as well. I was pleasantly taken aback and standing amidst all of these people. It was quite a surreal moment but amazing. To top it all off I also met Amanda Seyfried who happened to fly in to see Dominic. Yes, folks, they are dating.

It was funny...she was dressed all in black and I thought she was just another backstage crew person approaching the Vice Pres with Dominic. I was about to be like "back the fuck off bitch" when the VP's assistant turns and asks me if that was the girl from Mama Mia. I did a double take and was like Oh Em Gee. It is. She came over to stand next to me while photos were being taken. I shook her hand and we had a pleasant conversation about her visit to the white house earlier that day. I wanted to ask her if she had any upcoming projects we can look forward too, say something like "Jennifer's Body 2: The Angry Vagina?" but I refrained.

So that's my story about how I met the VP and almost caused a national security crisis :)

"Practice your curtsy for the Queen..."

2009-09-21T23:08:00.002-04:00

Ok folks, I've been missing in action before just as I've been missing in action now. Slap my wrist, spank my ass and call me a sloot. Well, don't really call me a sloot; goodness knows if that was the reason I haven't been writing then you should be rejoicing. Instead I've been completely engrossed in work for the past month and haven't found the time nor the energy to write about anything worth reading. I don't do boring and, hopefully, neither do you. Unless of course you enjoy many quiet evenings at home with your cat and your newly purchased pumps from Target that you acquired at the same time as your monthly tampon supply and potting soil!

Anyway...work. As boring as that is to most of you, I have a different experience. In the past month I've worked Shakespeare Theatre's Free for All (amazing), put together a 20 year history slide show of the company using Mac programs that I had no familiarity with (enlightening), met Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper (breathtaking and tingle inducing), and am now gearing up for escorting the Biden's around (kind of really cool). I have to take the perks where I can get them and I've been told that I name drop a lot. To my defense, not having a boyfriend, sex life, or prospects of any kind this is all I got so take it bitches or leave it :)

I believe, in my last post, that I stated I was going celibate and have stayed true to that. I mentioned, or maybe I didn't that I wasn't going to go to a gay bar as long as possible. Well, that didn't last very long BUT I've stayed true to not putting myself out there and trying to meet people. I'm still a lonely guy but I'm still focusing on fixing myself and getting my life back to a place that I can be at ease about.

I did have a small slip but, I think a good one. I sent The Ex a facebook message. Pathetic, I know...but part of me needed to do it to get the final say. If you know me well enough you'll know that I always have the last word whether I'm wrong or right in the situation. So yeah, I sent him a message explaining that I'm tying a bookend to certain parts of my life. I wrote it expecting one of 3 things: 1. Getting a response in the positive. "I miss you. I was stupid. Let's have coffee and talk about this. 2. A thank you for my honesty and words, however, nothing has changed for me. and 3. Nothing at all.

Let's all guess what my response was. Oh, come one. Its not that difficult and I can't be made to feel any less or more than what I've already set my mind to...soooo guess.

It was 3. Nothing. Nada. Thanks for playing. Don't come again. Go away. All of the above.

For a hot second I was pretty torn up about it. Then I realized the reason I sent the message in the first place. It wasn't to illicit a response. It was to get all that I wanted off my chest and finally get the fuck on with my life. In retrospect I'm glad there wasn't a response. It finally proved to me that nothing is going to change on that end, and even though I still love the idea of the life I had when I "thought" I was happy is gone and isn't coming back. And you know what, I'm better off for it. I've seen The Ex since and I thought I would want to throw up in my mouth but I was OK. Shocking. I think the thing that bothers me now that I didn't realize before, is that I don't miss The Ex, I miss the idea of what I had with him and what I was looking for constantly over the past year and a half.

Its time to stop looking for Mr. Right and start living life.

I may be half in the bottle right now typing this but, isn't that what blogging is about. To dump one's thoughts and emotions into writing in hopes that you'll get it all off your chest. Well, friends, its working. My life is turning a corner and I'm ready.

On a side note Grey's Anatomy starts this week, I'm moving in to a new place closer to work, and I'm setting goals and reaching them. Am I still lonely? Of course. I haven't met one person that is single that doesn't think about that perfect relationship. I don't ask for a lot but I won't compromise on what I want. Get on board, or get out of my way. I suggest you do the same. Time is against us, gay or straight, but it doesn't have to be an uphill battle. Find meaning in things that make you happy and change the things that you can.

If its one thing I've learned the past year and a half, is that people come and go as quickly as a one night stand; but, in the grand scheme of it all it doesn't have to rule your life or how you live it.

Here's to better postings about the season to come. I can feel the Fall fashions of leggings, eskimo boots, and inappropriately worn scarves coming to fruition. Watch out. No one is safe. Including Straight Lady and the recently discovered, knock-off version of pink Crocs I found in her car.

I know, sinful.

Just Jack

I don't Twitter, Tweet or anything else of the sort...

2009-08-22T20:57:00.002-04:00

But I will write a short blog and update you all accordingly...

Not much to report but its been a week since my last post so I feel the need to write something so I don't dry up completely. The last thing I want is for my readers to get bored and venture elsewhere to get there weekly dose of hard truthful advice about your mismatched outfit, bad dating decisions, or just overall advice about your life and what I know you're doing wrong with it!

Anywho...onward to the following:

One week and 3 days of Queerdom isolation. Well, except for Showtunes last Monday but that was already planned prior to the declaration and therefore grandfathered in and doesn't count. I feel as if its going well. Cold turkey is always tough and its actually turning up my libido because I know I've cut myself off...but I'm pushing through!
A good friend of mine is getting married and had the kind decency to invite me to her bachelorette party. One token gay and a group of straight girls. Let's just the night lived up to every expectation of what a night like that could be including a bright pink sash, tiara, and a giant inflatable penis which we affectionately named Pedro. Overall it was a good time...there were some girls that I could have done with out. Their choice of black cocktail attire was atrocious and flip flops are never a suitable "going out" shoe unless your a guy. Most of the girls were adorable and had on heels (good girls)!
I spent all day today doing nothing but sitting around the house and watching movies and playing the piano. My parents moved my sister in to UVA for her freshman year. My mother is a hot wreck...they just got home actually and I already want to club her in the head with my vera wang cologne bottle sitting on the counter and fixing a mixed drink.
That's all, its late and I don't care enough about anything at the moment to write any further.

Peace, Love, and don't bother me :) Happy Saturday!

JJ

Get Thee to a Nunnery...or the nearest Straight Bar

2009-08-14T14:21:00.005-04:00

So Rabbi Steve and I are finished. Shocking right? Yeah I should of called time of death two weeks ago and saved myself the trouble of giving it a shot. Great guy, good times, but can't seem to figure his shit out. I'm so glad that I got to be the person that made him realize it. I guess I bring that out in people...like a magnet for self discovery and realization. Too bad I can't exude that on people without having to touch them or get invested in their personal well being. Like some gay super power that I could use to prevent the mexicans and their 8 children from walking in to that Kohl's on their 50% off day. Just. Say. No. I, of course, spoke to Ms. Glickman about everything because she's the one who more or less steered me and the Rabbi in to each other and she calmly explained that, like the Rabbi, she too is jaded and kind of put things in perspective for me regarding his tranny behavior.

Meanwhile, to his credit, he did do it in person which I have to offer up props to as every other asshole I've dated hasn't had so much the courtesy to do that like the mature people I want to think we all are.

Anyway...it doesn't mean it still doesn't tick me off. I guess I just see myself as jaded but if I don't put myself out there and try then I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and become nothing more than a bitter old man with all of his good looks wasted. Let's be honest here, I will age gracefully and the salt and pepper hair I know I'm going to get...beautiful!!

Ok in all seriousness, I sit and I complain about boys and I sit and get to be hurt and cry about things sometimes and get angry...why? Because I put myself out there and on the line EVERY single time. I get that it takes a long time to get over things and move on but what are you supposed to be doing in the interim? When is it going to be time to stop sitting in the corner feeling sorry for yourself and the things that have been done to you and get back on the wagon? You can't be any worse off than you already were/are so what is there to lose?

But I get it. Dating is hard and its difficult to just put yourself out there. And, for me, I need a break. I'm all for giving things a go around with guys and giving them the benefit of the doubt...what I am tired of is getting those stupid girl feelings and sharing your excitment about the "new guy" with all of your friends. "Oh this one's different." "He's not like everyone else." "I know I won't get myself caught up but..." Vom. Get outta my face. Its doing that and then having to turn right around like a big embarassed fool to tell everyone it didn't work out. I think that's what takes most of my energy. The fact that you have to face your friends with your tail between your legs like a dog that peed on the carpet and knows it was the wrong thing to do.

So I'm taking a break. No more dating, no more gay bars, no more boys. Other than my previous engagement for Showtunes on Monday...no more JRs. I deleted my online accounts...and by accounts I mean just one, and, NO, it was not Manhunt. I want to stay the hell away from gay men and I want them to stay the hell away from me. You people continue to waste my time. And when I am ready to get back in to the swing of things I'm going to put together a little cheat sheet and hand it to potential daters. A little Welcome Packet to my life, if you will. An Orientation Guide to me. That way I don't actually have to talk about the things that I look for in my life and you can decide if you want to buy what I'm selling...which CLEARLY, at this point no one seems to want and I'm sick of pushing. You should now that I'm never on sale or a discounted rate...what you see is what you get and I do nothing but exude that from the beginning.

Word of advice. Ask yourself what it is that you want. When you can answer that, go and get it and be damn sure that when you find it you're grateful to keep it. Chances are its rare and, most of the time, doesn't come along more than once. Unlike the sale days at Marshalls...which are as frequent as the hooker I see patrolling the 14th street corridor Tues-Sat. Best of luck in your endeavors...you can find me at the straight bars or at home watching movie trailers with a glass of wine.

JJ

How Do I Love Thee-Let Me Count the Ways

2009-08-12T16:50:00.005-04:00

So at long last...here is Miss Procras's guest blog. I hope you all enjoy...I know I sure did :)

I am beyond honored that Just Jack asked me to guest post on his blog. A) It’s my first-ever guest post and B) I’m lucky enough that Just Jack considers me a friend – he just did MAJOR cutting from his Facebook friends list and after 3 rounds, I haven’t been voted off the island. So I must be doing something right if he’ll allow me to post on the awesomeness that is his blog.

I’ve been privileged to call Just Jack a friend for five years now. After graduating college and moving to the same city, I think we’ve become even closer. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Witness a cell phone conversation I had with my dad recently:

Me: Daddy, I’m really homesick. I don’t feel like I have many close girlfriends in D.C. anymore. Most of them are in Richmond.

Dad: You have Just Jack, don’t you?

Dads are so smart.

Just Jack is always there as a drinking buddy, fashion consultant, love doctor and chick flick enthusiast.

And so, ladies and gents, I bring you: Reasons to Love Just Jack (We all know how much he loves himself already, but I assure you, it is well warranted.)

1) He keeps you motivated while drinking. This is particularly helpful during happy hours or pregames when you’re under a time crunch to get wasted and save money. His go-to pep talk: “Less talking, more drinking."

2) He’s brutally honest, so you know if you’re about to purchase something heinous, he’ll let you know. Ideal shopping partner. (True story: I was about to buy these gold wedges from Steve Madden and I wanted Just Jack’s approval. He came into the store, anxious to get to where we needed to be-probably out drinking-and was annoyed I was holding up the group per usual. He looked at them and said, “Yeah, they’re fine” in a disinterested, straight-male tone. I was convinced he didn’t like them, but that was before I knew him well enough to know he would have said something along the lines, “Honey, those look like something a tranny hooker would wear” if he didn’t think I should buy them.)

3) Whenever you ride in his car, it’s a guaranteed jam fest to such greatness at Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and Broadway numbers.

4) He was a psychology major, so he can read people really, really well. And yes, he is judging you.

5) He has lived at the beach a majority of his life, and his parents bought a vacation home a couple of miles from the ocean; however, he hates sand so he avoids the beach at all costs. This paradox cracks me up for some reason.

6) He’s an excellent spooner.

7) When you’re around him, you’ll laugh until your sides hurt. Especially if you’re in a location with lots of people (ie-shopping malls, subways, restaurants). You see, Just Jack loves to people watch. So, like an eagle, he zeros in on his target, swoops down and annihilates them with witty remarks. (Not to their face, usually.)

8) If you hang out with him enough, you’ll get to know what he’s thinking by his facial expressions. Those are even funnier than his putdowns, I think.

9) He’s stellar at picking out acceptable men and dispensing relationship advice. See point #4.

10) He’ll expose you to the greatness that is the D.C. gay social scene. Show tunes Mondays, all-Britney dance parties, drag queens racing in high heels and the cheapest, strongest drinks you’ll ever consume.

Hope this provides a little more insight into the legendary Just Jack. Love you mucho, boo!

To Clarify...

2009-08-10T14:19:00.003-04:00

So I've been asked by my coworker to clarify a few things as she was not entirely happy about my last post. Apparently I made it seem that I was disgusted at the thought of being in Adams Morgan.

Why anyone would think I could be annoyed about going in to a strip of bars dedicated to the heterosexual ritual of getting smashed while dancing to Lil Wayne and Journey and then capping off the evening with a giant slice of pizza that only costs $4 and eating it on the curb before catching a taxi to head home...is beyond me ;) I also didn't give her a proper blog name so...

Henceforthwithandso-on my "other Jewish coworker" shall be aptly named Ms. Glickman and I have to say that despite the very nature of my being that requires me to loathe places like Adams Morgan, I actually had a pleasant time. We had a few drinks, chatted, and danced a bit to...shockingly enough Lady Gaga (which I have been listening to since June a year ago, BUT we can't all be gay and fashion/music forward...who would be left to make fun of!)

On one last note....Shopping for clothing, other than basics (i.e. undershirts, socks, etc), at places such as Target or, dare I say Walmart is not ok. Nothing says trash like checking out at register number 12 with a pair of shorts, a cami, and potting soil! 1. Get a life and 2. Go to Macy's.

Hi my name is Just Jack and I JUST blog...

2009-08-09T18:52:00.004-04:00

Ok people its time to recap my weekend. It was pretty fantastic but I'm glad its over and I'm decompressing at home listening to Pandora, which is currently set on my "Rent" radio station. Stop it, I'm gay...I'm totally allowed to jam out to showtunes in the comfort of my own home in just my underwear. Just let it happen, I bet you can't say you're doing anything better. Although there is an ABC Family movie on starring Ashley Slutsdale, Food Netowork Challenge, and Lifetime movie marathon (Currently playing: The Hand the Rocked the Cradle Because My Father was Verbally Abusive Which is Why I Have A Drinking Problem: The Janie Posey Story). Not quite as good as "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" starring Tori Spelling but...I'll pass to blog instead :)

I'm going to pause a moment: Pandora just started playing Sara McLachlan. Um that is not the Von Trap Children singing Do Ray Mi...get the fuck out of my face...skip; BYE! Disney's Aladdin...perfect.

Ok back to my weekend. It started off with a rather interesting time with Miss Procras at a Blogger Happy Hour. Yes, you read correctly. We thought it might be good to get together with fellow bloggers and see what's up in person. The girl who put it together, Lilu, was pretty cool. Loved the bitch's hair, but most of the people there were mad socially awkward. I mean just because you're in to blogging doesn't mean that the world still won't judge the real person you are. Maybe if you spent less time in front of your blog and more time looking in to the mirror, staying out of Kohl's, and socializing more maybe I'll give two shits about your life. Probably not, but come on! All in all it was a lot of fun and the drink specials were great. Its all going back to me focusing on my life and trying new things. I met some interesting people and, yeah, I'd do it again. I mean nothing like knowing you're the most fabulous and attractive people there to make you feel better about having emotional problems :) Oh and, another word of advice...you're not in front of a computer...when talking to fellow bloggers its not ok to introduce yourself as your blog name...that should come up in conversation later.

After that Miss Procras and I went to JR's. Then my coworker and his friend showed up and we ended up at Nellie's then dancing at Town. It was a great evening, including running in to Tortilla Strip and J-Crew. Long story short, I had a falling out with Torts and we haven't talked since. However the look on his face was priceless when J Crew gave me a hug and we danced a little. Guess what...you're a bitch and people like me better. Anyway, that's niether here nor there. Can't be bothered with things that are going to waste my time.

Saturday rolls around and I do nothing but enjoy some pool QT time with Straight Lady and Starfish. Then I prepare for hanging out with Rabbi Steve before my other coworkers birthday celebration in Adams Morgan (vom). I won't go in to too much detail because not much transpired that I can comment on or make fun of. Well, other than he finally fixed his sideburns..they're even now. We had a few drinks, met my coworker...who is also Jewish and had a drink with her and her friends. It was a great evening, very relaxed. I did, however, decide that this guy's good for me and I'm scared shitless. But I still have my reservations...DUH! Can't be throwing myself shamelessly at boys like I have in the past. I just know that Rabbi Steve and I are at the same place as far as what we are looking for so we'll just see how it all goes. Until then I'm going to attempt not to over think things, even though we all know that's about as possible as me venturing into the Potomac Mills outlet mall...never. Going. To. Happen!

Anyway, enough about him. The more I talk about things the worse I feel when he decides we shouldn't date anymore and I have to find out via an airplane banner or some tranny shit like that. At this point folks, I'm not suprised by anything! For now I'll be content figuring things out slowly and enjoying my new body hair trimmer I acquired from Target this afternoon. Life changing. That and my Pandora Broadway station ;)

Mwah!

If Facebook had a real face...I'd slap it with my Chuck Taylor's

2009-08-06T12:37:00.004-04:00

Just had to share that Facebook, this morning, suggested I Become a Fan of Kohl's...

Yesterday it was JC Penny...

What's tomorrow going to be Facebook? Huh?! Ross? TJ Max? Wet Seal?!!!!

I had to take a minute this morning before heading off in to the world and pretending that facebook wasn't actually being a huge tranny.

In other news, the blog got a small but charming facelift; hope you like. Also Miss Procras has been invited for a guest spot on my blog so stay tuned for that. Not sure what she'll write about...my guess will be some story that involves her not being on time to something I was planning...and, in all actuality, you may be waiting for a while on that one. :)

Peace, Love, and Egoism!

JJ

How lovely of you to have me on the show...

2009-08-04T14:32:00.005-04:00

So folks, I was invited as a guest blogger on Miss Procras' blog and thought I'd post the same on mine to share with all of you that may not read hers...even though you should; its just as thought provoking ;)

Hello Fellow Miss Procras Followers! For those that don't know who I am, you can call me Just Jack. I've been asked to appear as a Guest Blogger. I, of course, was flattered but not surprised. I mean, I am fabulous and whatever I say tends to be golden...even if it is making fun of your outift! You can catch me regularly on my own blog Kiss It! Spank It! Tranny! found at http://www.kissitspankit.blogspot.com/. Shameless plug, I know, but word of mouth advertising is always the most effective, even when most of the time the words coming out of your mouth warrant a bronzer compact flung at your face ;)

Anywho, back to the real topic of today's post: Miss Procras herself. I've had many memories created from my long-time friendship with the slut and I wouldn't trade it in for anything. We've become rather close over the past year, I think, and its made seeing her all the better. But in order to understand what we are now, you'll need to understand what were back then. And, for that, let me start at the beginning. The first time I met Miss P was at her and her roomates' Pink Party. I did not own anything pink, at the time...shocking...but you had to wear pink in order to enter the party slash get a drink. I purchased a pink Aeropostale polo (looking back in hindsight...ew) and headed over that evening to their apartment. I knew their roommate at the time and no one else really. I had met Miss P briefly before the party as we were both orientation guides that summer. Let's just say that we ended up finding each other at the party and proceeded to make fun of people and their disgusting outfits for the rest of the evening. Can we say kismet?

After that I began regularly hanging out at the apartment and became very close with their other roommate Kellsm. I was soon inducted as honorary roommate (as the fourth one was a total twat who owned a small dog that warrented nothing except the urge to throw it off the balcony). At that time I also became a member of the Pink Penthouse tribe, which will live in infamy in the form of a small wooden chair painted, by us, as an omage to our friendships, the color pink, and the memories that we carry with us to this day. It still resides, I believe, in the student lounge at JMU.

Since then Miss P and I have formed an inseperable bond; one consisting of me yelling at her for never being on time to anything, relationship advice, and, as always, help picking out an outfit and accesories for an evening out. I've been through a lot of things with her and seen her grow to the person she is today. I've seen her at her worst and have watched her triumph over some tranny bull shit that we all seem to encounter from time to time. I love me some Miss Procras, lateness and all...even when it means picking me up from the metro when I don't have a car, being a fervent supporter of the gay community by participating in Showtunes Night and the High Heel Race, or simply catching up over a glass of wine. There are very few people that affect your life in such a way that you know you want to be a part of theirs for a very long time...I said it yesterday in my blog...hold on to them because they don't come around very often.

I love you Miss P. Always remember two things 1. I've seen your boobies and 2. I'll always be around for you just like I know you will for me too!

Love, JJ

P.S. That top does not go with those jeans, I love your gold wedges, and go with the silver earings tonight ;) Oh and don't shop at Kohl's, TJ Max, Ross, Marshalls, OR Sanrio Surprise. Nothing says "disgusting tranny" like a Hello Kitty t-shirt and a plastic purse to match!

F*ing A...My Life and The Play

2009-08-03T15:49:00.002-04:00

Well this weekend was interesting to say the least. Now I know what you're thinking...what crazy stories do I have in store for you? But settle down in your britches, nothing terribly exciting happened. It was just, interesting!

It was one of those weekends where you have ZERO plans and then all of a sudden you're booked. Straight Lady was out of town and so was Starfish so I didn't have a thing to do but Friday turned out to be wonderful. I ended up hanging out with some of my college friends that I hadn't seen in almost a year. We were all ambassadors together. If you don't know what I mean by that just know that we were totally the cool kids on campus and I totally gave tours to prospective students with my collar popped on my little purple polo. And to think I wasn't out then...what was I doing with my life?! Probably shopping at Marshall's. Vom! I try to think back and remember what I was doing with out my 28inch waist Lucky Jeans fashionable footwear. I think my first pair of rainbows occurred somewhere around senior year! Tragic hot mess = me. Good think I'm a big homo now and the fashion wand finally slapped me across the face and I wear clothes that actually fit properly!

ANYway...so that was great seeing the girls. Saturday I was a big fat ass and ordered chinese food and watched Heroes Season 3 on netflix all day long. All day long...like until it was ready to get showered for the first time and go out! Gross but completely satisfying! Then I met my intern for a few drinks then headed over to the ole watering hole, JRs to round out the evening with drinks with friends to catch up!

Sunday I did the same thing, I stayed in all day and watched Heroes. I attempted to go grocery shopping. I made it all the way to the check out line to discover that I did not have my wallet on me and, defeated, went home and did not return. Then I headed back downtown again to meet the Jew boy, whom henceforth shall be called Rabbi Steve, I went on a date with last Wednesday for some cocktails and to see Studio Theatre's F!ng A. Um it was not good. And by not good I mean bad. And by bad I mean if I could have left after 30 minutes I would have. We stayed through intermission and then went back and had another drink and some gelato. The best part of the evening, well not the best part, BUT we both walk in to the theatre and sure enough creepy Jew boy from my last post was in the audience. He keeps popping up EVERYWHERE! I'm telling you, start the negotiations with Chace Crawford because eventually I'm going to have a face-to-face encounter with him which will end with my body drapped over my keyboard with the letter Y scrolling across an open email.

Things are going fairly well with this one. For the first time, which still blows my mind, he brought up the "Where I'm at with things..." conversation. Granted its been 3 dates, but my stupid brain has the same thoughts after such a short period of time too. I mean, when you know you know. You either like the person and want to continue to explore or you're not feeling it and its time to move on to other paths: stop seeing each other entirely or be friends. It was just refreshing in the sense that I don't have to sit and figure it out. The cards were put on the table, which if you know me, that's the kind of person that I am. Holding back is a waste of time and I've said it before...some people call it intimidating; I call it efficiency! I still have my reservations of course, who wouldn't? While I don't think that I'll be defriended on facebook or tossed a line, we've all got baggage that doesn't go away just because you meet someone new and exciting. The last person that I got butterflies thinking about the next time we were going to talk was Rescue Me Joe and we all know how that ended.

I think that we'll have a really good relationship whether that will be dating, friendship, or otherwise...its rare to find good people so its important to hold on to them when you do! So who knows, we'll see what happens. As far as I can tell there's a fourth date in the works and, in the meantime I'm trying NOT to be that girl from "He's Just Not That Into You." If you've seen the movie you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't just know that she's a really great girl that over analyzes everything and then gets upset when it doesn't work out. I'm through with stressing myself out over it...Phillipe, Georgio, and Armand don't need more company. (Those are the names I gave to the 3 grey hairs I have on my head).

Anyway that's all...really lame post I know but I've been invited as a guest blogger on Miss Procras's blog so that should be terribly more exciting! I haven't decided what I'd like to guest blog about. Suggestions from Miss Procras included her fabulous dress, her inability to be on time to anything I tell her to be, and how we met. All good things and will probably end up being a conglomeration of all three! Keep your eyes peeled and your ass out of Kohls!

Lata,

This Isn't McFadden's Bitch...

2009-07-21T13:05:00.003-04:00

To all my bitches out there...

This past weekend made me aware of a bigger issue going on than poorly dressed gay men with their too low cut v-necks and skinny jeans...or, in the case of Halo on Saturday, an overly-eclectic ensemble resulting in one too many fashionista choices making the wearer look like a gay homeless person. The bigger issue I'm talking about...girls at gay bars.

I have brought many of my girlfriends to the bars/clubs with me and they've, for the most part, behaved accordingly. The only person I can think of that needed a spanking and time-out was Miss Procras but we'll get to that in a minute! Below I've outlined a few things that girls should be aware of when out with the gays and for the boys to gently remind the girls should the need arise.

1. Dressing to the nines is typically frowned upon because who are you trying to impress? Hello, its a gay bar and you're not getting any ass. Stick with the basics: jeans, a fun top that reveals a little tata (97% of all gay men LOVE your nips!), heels, and a cute clutch/purse. Its all that's needed. Nothing more necessary unless you're coming from a fancy date or outing. Remember, you should never look better dressed than your gay, its rude and embarassing!

2. Gay bars make their drinks stronger, cheaper, and the wait is about 15 minutes shorter to get a beverage. Pace yourself accordingly. Typical rule of thumb if you've never been to a gay bar...2-3 drinks should send you flying depending on where you're going. Jr's for instance: 3 drinks and see how you feel. Halo: 1.5 and you're good to go; 2 and you might be on the floor. Don't be that drunk girl who doesn't know how to hang but proceeds to get wasted only to throw up on the bar floor. Again, don't embarass your gay. I don't get trashy in your straight establishments, don't get trashy in mine :)

3. Dancing when dancing is not appropriate is not ok. If you see less than 5 people shaking their groove thing, chances are dancing isn't allowed or looked favorably upon in the gaystablishment that you're currently in. If you find yourself overcome with the shaking your booty you're probably on drink number 2 or 3 and its time to take a minute and assess. When in doubt ask your gay, he knows best!

4. Typically when I mention drinks above I mean a cocktail of some kind. Beer is typically only ok to order if your gay orders beer but, in general, liquor is the way to go. Ordering beer might make you look like a lesbian and chances are you might be kidnapped as there are so few that come out to play.

5. Always have cash on hand. You never know when there's going to be a cover somewhere and most places require a tab minimum that you could not possibly reach yourself. You'd end up violating one or more of the above.

6. It is ALWAYS appropriate to play wing-man for your gay. If an agreed upon cutie is spotted it is your job to help strike up conversation as you have nothing to lose. Introducing your man to his future husband or evening "fun" is a big deal and responsibility. Rise to the challenge!

7. Last, but not least...no making out with anyone of any kind. Its trashy because either 1. You've found a needle in a haystack and hit it off drunkenly (aka a straight guy) or 2. You're making out with another gay; also trashy. You're a visitor in a different land, my dear. This is the only rule I've had to reprimane a lady friend for. Sorry Miss Procras have to call you out on making out with The Hoff in the corner when the bar only had like 10 people in it to begin with. Not approp!

That's about all. There are exceptions to every rule...none of which you're allowed to make a judgement call on your own without first consulting your gay. Also, if your gay breaks any of these rules himself chances are you're exuding behavior that's causing the rest of the bar to leer and judge you. Always be aware of your surroundings ladies and don't be afraid to ask questions. There's nothing more truthful that the sharp sting of a homo's opinion about that ugly choice in earings or your tranny behavior out if you've had one to many Jr's cocktails :)

In other news I may or may not be found dead in my work Pod as the Jewish boy with a unibrow and a thirst for chatting via facebook just started working in the Teleservices Dept. Let's just say that a chance encounter at the gay jewish pop concert I went to coupled with the fact that he just happened to come see the play I was in leads me to believe there's a bigger design happening. Do me a favor and make my story in to a lifetime movie if I die...I'd like it to be titled "Shalom Death: The Raymond Bracken Story." I'd enjoy Chace Crawford playing the title role.

Speaking of Jewishness, I have a date with another Jew next week. Great guy so far and apparently spoon compatible AND he doesn't have a unibrow and isn't balding. I'd say, in the past lineup of mo's that I've dated this one's got one up on some of the others already!

That's it from me for today. Remember to follow the rules bitches...its not that hard. If you can't, stay home its that easy!

Peace!

I've Got Sunshine Coming Out of My Ass So Back off Tranny!

2009-07-16T12:54:00.002-04:00

So I've been told that I'm bitchy, complain a lot, and never seem to be happy about anything. For those that don't know me well and read the blog you'll find that tends to be true. I guess my sarcastic, biting wit is a little overwhelming for folks and think of me as the Tranny Queen who has nothing better to do than talk about other people and how unhappy I am with the cards I've been dealt with on a regular basis.

Well, I'm here to set a few records straight. Please don't get me wrong...the following post does not mean that I'm going to stop complaining about boys, making fun of your ugly ballet flats you thought were a good idea but were not because they were on the sale rack at Marshalls, or being a sarcastic a*hole. Its all part of the package, I guess I just haven't given you the sweeter, more demur side of myself. (Did some of you just vom in your mouth a little bit? I did.)

Ok, in all seriousness I'm not as overdramatic and nasty as I tend to make myself out to be in my postings. I'm really, in my opinion, a pretty down to earth guy. I have a lot of love to give and HUGE heart...I just tend to have no one to share it with. Or when I do, its not reciprocated. So yeah, sometimes I'm bitter.

But who wouldn't be? I'm 25 years old, and granted that might be a little young...but this guy wants to settle down with someone. What's wrong in wanting that at such a young age? Half of the people I went to school with are either married, on they're way to getting married, OR they're already married and preggers or have 8 babies already. Now I may be ready to settle my ass down but I am NOT ready to take care of a child until at least the age of 37...maybe 40. One good thing about being a homo, you don't have a biological clock ticketing against you :) All we have to worry about is our wanning good looks which can be held astray with proper moisturizer and skin care! Speaking of which, I've started using the new Dove bodywash...amazing! I highly reccommend the grapefruit and lemongrass. Trust me, you won't be disappointed!

And as I think I've mentioned recently I've cut useless drama out of my life. I quit Managing Director which means absolutely no more dealing with issues and taking in stress from people telling you you're not good enough. I've also joined a gym...a rather cheap and crappy one, but hey I run 3 miles everytime I go and work out on the machines. Its good enough for my skinny ass and that's all that matters! I've been keeping up regularly and I hope I continue to keep it up. The goal is be able to fill out a t-shirt properly by the end of September and keep going from there.

I don't know though...I think about my life constantly and what I'm doing wrong. I am lonely, I'll admit. And there's a couple people out there that I think I would drop a lot to be with but I'm tired of making sacrafices and not having someone else take a risk too. Isn't that what living life and falling in love is all about? Taking a risk. If it doesn't work then you gave it your best shot and move on. But don't half ass around your feelings or waste my time or yours. And for all of you out there that think I'm flammingly overdramatic...kiss my ass. Mwahhh! I know more than you think and probably have the best advice out of anyone you'll ever meet. Why? Because I like to look at all the angles. And NEWSFLASH I love kids...only if they're well behaved BUT I'm good with them because I love people and they aren't anything more than bite-sized versions of adults. I realize that more and more...we're all hedonistic little children-bitches vying for that ever elusive place of happiness where we can sit back and say "I'm here and I'm satisfied."

Maybe that's why I write about all the negative angles. No one thinks getting what you want is funny. Its making fun of the fact that you were dumped via Facebook by an asshole or that small moment of insanity that drives you to by Liz Claiborne bronzer instead of Mac that people find amusing.

We're all in the same boat here aren't we? We just want to be happy and sometimes writing about the unhappy stuff in a tragic and tired way makes moving on a little easier. Work it out your own way and leave me to mine. If you don't like it...go to Kohl's or kiss my naught bits; whichever you prefer ;)

Love you mean it!

P.S. For clarification I am always the little spoon. In case you were wondering.

There's No Place Like Home...to make you want to throw yourself out a window!

2009-07-06T17:01:00.007-04:00

Well kids, I'm on furlough starting today for the entire week. I thought, hey since I have the time off, why don't I go home for a quiet vacation at my parents' house. I'll take my bestfriend and we'll pop on down to Va Beach for a few days and relax poolside drinking beer and enjoying being lazy.

If I ever think that'd be a good idea again...I want to you to force me into the Kohl's parking lot and threaten that you'll take me inside to shop. I'll learn my lesson, I promise.

Let me explain. Things have been fairly good up until yesterday. My mother thinks I'm mad at her because we're not hanging out downstairs or eating every meal with them. I love my mom but leave it to her to make me feel like I'm doing nothing right with my life. She's the kind of person that thinks everything is your fault...

ME: "Ma, I didn't sleep at all last night"
Mom: "Maybe it's because you feel guilty about spending money on useless things."

Me: "I don't feel well."
Mom: "Maybe you should of stayed home last night like I told you too."

Me: "I'm not happy with having to take a furlough."
Mom: "Maybe you should move back home and save money instead of wasting your time on something that you should throw yourself off a cliff if you think its going to get you any where in life."

Oooook ma...that's enough. She's extremely frustrating and the more annoyed you get the more she turns it on. Its like a sixth sense. She knows when she's getting on your nerves and she keep nagging and nagging until you explode. Then she gets upset that you said something. Um...please go knit quietly in the corner and get out of my face!

Straight Lady is here with me and keeping me as sane as she has humanly possible to do but it doesn't really help. We did, however, have a fabulous time Friday night reliving my Rainbow Cactus experience from last Thanksgiving. See my previous Rainbow Plant Post. This time I took my camera...at which point, during the drag show, a bouncer came up to Straight Lady and said "Ma'am, there is not picture taking in the club." What she should of said back is "Ok, I'll let you know when I'm in one!" She complied and I put the camera back in my car. We enjoyed the rest of our evening including our 8 drinks each and $30 bar tab. The music they played was ridiculous. I think I heard Love Game by Lady Gaga and I'm Bossy by Kelis at least 4 times each and NOT ONE time did I hear a single Britney song! I went up to the DJ, and I use that term loosely because I'm sure he burns sweet CD's from his Dell desktop at home and brings in the mixes, and asked him to play Britney. He asked me which song and I was like "Any will do!" ...I still didn't get any Britney.

I've used this time to reflect on my week as well. Last week was a big one for me. I made a lot of decisions that suprised me, scared me, upset me, and made me happy all at the same time. I quit my Managing Director post at the theatre company I've been spearheading for over a year. I decided to make a conscious effort to start saving money and finally get my ass to the city by January, and I called things off with the guy that I was seeing. All of these things were causing a lot of unnecessary complications in my life and I had to cut them out. Was it something I wanted to do? Yes and No. I really enjoyed being Managing Director...not a lot of people can say they do that at my age. A lot of people didn't think I was doing the best job, but I poured my heart in to that and took as much from it that I'll remember my time there for the rest of my life.

This really came from my decision to move in to the city. I work in the city, I play in the city...I belong in the city. And then lastly I stopped seeing the boy. That was a particularly upsetting decision but I decided that I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve and I all I think I deserve is getting the feeling of being wanted. The one thing I still miss from The Ex is that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and get excited to see one another. Or the way he called me Baby Duck. Or waited outside on his front stoop for me to drive up. Just little things that are important. And who knows, the boy might work out if things are different and situations change but I can't sit around and hope for something to happen that might not ever. Its just annoying because the more one wants to be in a relationship the less likely its going to happen and the less you think about the more likely its going to happen but not in the way you want it to work out.

Dating is dumb. Boys are really fucking stupid. And I'm the exception to the rule in being at the age of 25 and wanting to settle down with someone. Boys, get your shit together. I'm a catch :) Slightly high maintenance but nothing you can't handle with a kiss on the cheek and stupid obsession with say, BBQ sauce or late night wine and movies. Oh well...I guess I'll continue to focus on my carreer and taking the steps necessary to improve the quality of ME. I've joined a gym and I'm starting to go on a regular basis. I will move in to the city. And I will have the life that I've wanted to live for a long time. AND I will continue to uphold that I will not discount shop...unless of course I have a momentary lapse of sanity and do it anyway. (Confession: I went to Old Navy this weekend and bought not one but 2 lightweight zip up hoodies) They're adorable and you can't tell they're from Old Navy...but as on blogger to my readers I feel the need to confess accordingly. But I also got really cute underwear ;)

Ok, back to Food Network in the Kitchen...as I part just think about where you're at in life and ask yourself if you're happy. If you aren't, maybe its time for a change of pace. Throw out the kitchen sink and redecorate. Its not like anyone but me will judge you and matter...go for it. I'll tell you if you're wrong!

Kisses!

JJ

A Year in the Life of Just Jack...Hold On to your Butts

2009-05-12T16:12:00.009-04:00

My life, to date, has been quite a ride of ups and downs. I'd like to think of myself as a pessimistic optimist because I think that a lot of what has been handed to me has been shitty but continue to remain hopeful that brighter things will occur. I mean my father died a few months before my birth and I was a 9lb 8oz baby...life was complicated from the beginning. A fatherless, porker of a child raised by an overbearing, totally effiminate Portuguese mother. I was destined to be a homo from the get go!

Anyway, let's fast forward a bit to this time last year. I was in the middle of the ugliest breakup I have experienced and have not had one that parallels it since. It was with The Ex. (See previous posts for further clarification.) I was also in the middle of learning a new position at Fish and Wildlife Services because the company I was working for was about to fire me internally for tranny shit that was their fault to begin with. I. Was. Miserable. I mean I was in love with The Ex...maybe it was because he was my "first love" or I actually did have deep seated feelings for him but I was a hot mess. Getting drunk and calling him and making a fool of myself. And all for what? For someone's attention that didn't want to return it to begin with. Lame!

I spent a good part of the rest of the year being eternally depressed about things. I had lost the one person I thought I was going to be with for a very long time and I was working in an ultra-conservative department of the Governement in an office full of 50 somethings eating lunch alone everyday. Its always hard to accept change, but accepting it because its forced upon you and not something you can predict or forsee is the hardest. How was I supposed to know that The Ex didn't love me...I mean people take advantage of the fact that when someone tells you they love you, they actually mean it. I'd be damn sure before throwing yourself into that situation. If you ever happen to find out they don't and were just telling you because its what you wanted to hear you may end up wanting to throw yourself off a cliff.

Eventually crying myself to sleep at night faded to a few nights a week and I slowly started to get my sea legs again, only to have them torn from under me when I was fired from Fish and Wildlife. Big surprise? NOT! I mean here I am this quirky homosexual working with a bunch of Republicans. Even I should have known that shit wasn't going last long. The crappy thing is, I was going on vacation that weekend and ended up training my replacement which, at the time, I thought was the temp replacing me for the two days I'd be gone. I knew I was getting fired that morning because the "temp" accidentally dropped she was getting her employee benefit orientation that afternoon for working here in the office. HELLO...I used to work internally for this company...I know the contract I was working and how many people were on it....ONE...ME. Good-bye! It took every restraint in my body not to ream everyone in that office for wearing discounted clothing from Marshall's and destroying all the SOP's I had written for the temp. Instead I left like a lady and cried when I got on the metro.

From there I ended up working for On the Border full time where I used to be just part-time. Let me tell you, smelling like a G.D. chimichanga on a daily basis was the highlight of my professional career. That lasted for like 3 months and then I got a job working in the box office for Shakespeare Theatre Company. Meanwhile my home situation was getting worse and worse. First my current roommate because a total bitch. I mean not that she wasn't to begin with, she just turned it on me eventually. That's ok though, her boyfriend is a cheater and deserves better than her anyway and I slept with their straight friend on the living room floor one evening. Newsflash...not straight. Whoops. I mean you know that saying "I just can't quite put my finger on it."? Well, I put my finger on it :)

Anyway, I moved out and moved in with Straight Lady. Well that didn't go over so well with the other roommate, who's name I'll dedicate Tranny Bitch to. He wanted to charge me like $400 a month to live in the same room as Straight Lady. Whore please! So I moved out once again and ended up at some dear friends of mine who I'm lucky still let me stay at their place. Not that I'm really there anyway. I think I can count the number of times I've slept in the townhouse on one hand, in the past month. Not to say that I don't like it there, but its very far from work and everything else I do that I end up staying at friends' places a lot of the times. At least I'm not burdening them on electricity and heat...I'm never there to use it!

That pretty much brings me to the very first time I blogged as Just Jack which vaults you right up to this posting. The whole reason for this post is because its been exactly a year since I broke up with The Ex and I think I've come full circle. I started dating on a regular basis again. Same old heartbreak and wastes of time. Buddy (see previous two postings) was a huge waste of life, but that's ok...as always, its a learning experience. I moved on to someone else who's still not the most appropriate but is a good person and I will continue to explore that opportunity, even though he may not be here in 3 months. In the meantime I still pine over someone that I can't have but know they feel the same way about me which makes the situation even harder to stomache but one can't sit around and wait for something to happen or someone to change their mind. Instead I will continue to move forward and see what happens in life. I can't sit and dwell on things that could be, would be, wanna be, blah blah blah. Living life in the moment seems the best remedy for an over-active brain.

Take my advice, I know what I'm talking about...at least most of the time ;) Life is a growth experience and everyday is an opportunity to learn something new. And, I know I've said this a million times and I'll say it a million times more, don't discount shop. It makes you look cheap and nobody will like you. Sad :(

Later Gators,

All's well that ends well....in crazy trannyville!

2009-04-26T20:55:00.003-04:00

Guten Evening this fine Sunday!

I'm relaxing with a crappy movie and a corona at Starfish's house and thought..."What a great time to catch up on my blogging!" Its been a great day of sleeping in, food, and laying out in the sun :)

Things have been insane at work planning for this event that happened last Tuesday. Welcome to Washington. It should have been called Welcome to the All-Consuming Project Resulting in Coming in on the Weekends and Working Late Evening for Two Weeks Straight. Complaining? Not. At. All! It was probably the coolest night of my life and one of my finer achievements in the professional world. Along with my co-workers we ended up pulling of an amazing evening complete with performing arts organizations, congress and the White House, and Mrs. Obama herself!! It was awesome! Although no one was allowed to talk to her except Michael which was totally lame and the hoops we had to jump through with her Secret Service security detail was a nightmare but all of it was complete worth it to have her there and me sit two rows behind her! Miss Procras was my arm candy for the night and I introduced her to a lot of different people as well as the open bar post-show! Despite Michelle gracing us with her presence I'd have to say the highlight of the evening had to be my very own sugar daddy. Let me explain.

So Michael has an older friend who is an interior designer...he also likes young attracctive boys. And not to be conceited (except for the fact that I am) I fall in to that category. Well as the reception was crowded I didn't notice the multitude of people bumping in to me so when Michael's friend casual brushes up against my leg...I don't feel a thing. It wasn't until he asked me what kind of underwear I was wearing that I realized it was him brushing up against me. Oh. My. God. Bye! I politely answered that they were boxer briefs and then quickly headed to the bar for a refill of bourbon.

Relationship Update:

So this past friday was Straight Lady's birthday. We went to Front Page...did the straight thing. For the most part it was a good night. Aside from a few hang ups it was a fun evening complete with the fact that Straight Lady couldn't walk 2 blocks past DuPont circle before needing me to get the car and come to her. It was fantastic! But, Buddy...the guy I've been dating for the past month was supposed to meet us out. Well he didn't...didn't call...didn't communicate anything other than he was taking a quick nap before meeting us out. So its a little frustrating when all of my friends are like "Where's Buddy?" and I have to say..."I have no idea." Now I'd let it go but its not the first time this has happened. So I express my annoyance the next day but, being the bigger person I let it go and asked him if he'd like to hang out the next day and to let me know....

Um so fast forward 5 days later and I get an email. It said the following:

Subject: So

Do you want your Rent DVD back?

Excuse me? That is all you have to say after not speaking to me for five days. Done. Good bye. Get out of here! I was so annoyed because even though I had already let go of the fact that a viable relationship was going to come from Buddy...we still hadn't had that conversation. I mean he was a nice guy and I enjoyed my time with him but I need someone a little more speedy. Relaxing is great and it was nice to have the down time but sleeping through plans you make with me twice is not ok. Set an alarm...its what they're made for!

That's ok...I got some action this past Friday. Whom? I can not disclose to the masses due to the sensitivity of the information. If you want to know I'll tell you if its appropriate :) Just ask! It was a pretty great evening and the sex was pretty good too. Not great, but then again we were both pretty intoxicated and it hindered a few things...but over all much needed. And he kisses well too so that was a plus. We know that's a big dealbreaker for me.

Anyway...Tomorrow begins another work week. Hopefully it'll be relaxing. I don't have much going on other than rehearsal for an upcoming show I'm in. I play a gay chorus dancer with aids...its a comedy. Not that aids is a laughing matter...there are plenty of aids babies in Africa who are suffering...I'm just glad I'm not one of them. Hurray non-life threatening diseases!

Mwah!

JJ

Mmmmhmmmmm

2009-04-13T12:41:00.003-04:00

So slap me, put me down, call me names (don't really I'm sensitive)! From a lethal combination of work, laziness, and Happy Hour involving $5 cosmos (hot mess)...I haven't kept up with blogging. Don't judge me! Well actually, I have no room to speak about judging other people...lord knows I'm judging you right now. Probably because you're wearing disgusting ballet flats or something stuck in your teeth!

Anyway, I've missed you all and I'm sure you've missed me ;) The title of today's blog is more than appropriate for a variety of reasons...particularly because it seems that most people in my life right now are dealing with boy issues, in one form or another, including myself. Then again when is a lady not having boy troubles? Its so hard being pretty sometimes!

Ok, let's begin. I'll take on a case by case basis:

Straight Lady
Facts of the Case: Prior to moving down here Straight Lady's long term boyfriend, Flavored Douche, cheated on her with his Ex-Fiance...yeah I know, take a minute. Long story, short...she takes him back, things are off, she moves down to DC and they break up. Time goes by, he still loves her; she still loves him.
Recent Developments: Straight Lady finally caves in to my advice of trying to work things out long distance. Nothing annoyed me more than the fact that you have two people who want to be together but refuse to for one Tranny reason or another....BYE! Thank you for finally getting some sense in that brain of yours. Love you!

Miss Procras
Facts of the Case: Miss Procras and Arnold Shwarzenshortie have been dating for quite some time now. For the first time, I actually think that she's in love. Not to discredit her (love you bitch!) but I've never seen her act like this before.
Recent Developments: Miss Procras and Arnold broke up. For reasons I will not divulge due to information that is so sensitive you'd swear you were having a yeast infection ;) OMG calm down, I'm kidding. Right now they're in negotiations...he said, she said nonsense. But I'm confident that it'll all turn out for the best. He'll either realize he's being a 6 year old and she'll figure her shit out and they have 10,000 babies together OR they break it off for good and find other creatures in the sea!

Just Jack
Facts of the Case: Things are going well with Buddy. I like him a lot but I'm still trying to figure out if our speeds are going to match in the long run. My friends seem to like him a lot; which is a first for the previous people I've dated.
Recent Developments: There are none because its happening now! Will continue the dating thing and will let folks know if I qualify Buddy as boyfriend material. Fingers crossed?!

Such complications dating presents when you're past all the butterflies and cloud 9 BS of the first 2 weeks of being together. That time is simple...its the getting to know you, kissing for the first time, dinners, drinks, and so on and so forth. Everything after that is questions and doubts and what ifs and what does that means and actual work to make it last. That's the part no one tells you about. That's the part that if you screw up you can't take back. My advice? Psh...I have none. I guess one just has to figure out their own pace. Most of the time its wrong and you end up heartbroken or angry or both. I guess when you finally get it right is when you know you've found a keeper. Just a few general rules/guidelines however...you know to weed out the useless ones before you waste even the first two weeks.

1. Have they or are they open to shopping at the following stores: Ross, Kohl's, or Marshalls?
2. Do they kiss well?
3. Do they get along with your friends?
4. Do they pay for things?
5. Is there dress both appropriate and attractive?

If the answer is no to any of the above...C-ya. Ciao. Have a nice day. Kohl's is having a sale on Candies shoes and you're missing one last pair to make it an even 20, BYE! Once you've moved on from those 5 you can really open yourself up to the possibility that maybe this one won't be a huge a*hole. I mean, if anything, a good lay? Whatever works for you!

Other than boy topics I've been cast in a show: Jeffrey. Its a play that they made into a movie in the late 90's. Rent it. Love it. So good. For those that don't know yet I play Darius, a young dancer from Cats. Yes, I get to wear the leotard!

Ok well I'm done for today...off to finish up work and put my tuxedo on for the Helen Hayes awards and to be some old man's arm candy for the evening. Network, network, network!

Mwah! Love you! Kisses!

JJ

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

2009-03-25T10:20:00.004-04:00

Ok, so maybe I'm not Carmen Sandiego but I have been MIA for a couple weeks now. I know! I know! But I haven't heard any complaining from any of you tranny gumshoes so I haven't had the motivation to write. Besides I'm totally busy and important at work...ok well maybe not important but busy; yes ma'am pam-a-lot! Calling Linda Carter and Supreme Court Justices is exhausting work ;)

Anywho, it has been a crazy past few weeks. Lots has happened, although nothing too significant. Obviously work is continuing to go well. Nothing like coming to my office in the morning, working all day on awesome projects and events, and then leaving at night to go see a show for free somewhere. Like, A Chorus Line...holy buckets let me tell you! So I get four free tickets to the national tour of A Chorus Line and take 3 of my queens to go to drinks and a show. The dancers/singers in the show were so gorgeous we all had a private moment with Jesus then briefly excused ourselves to the ladies room. They were all toned and muscular and sweaty and well...enough said. I just got four tickets to see Chicago next week...not as hot but still awesome to go for FREE!

Moving on to my personal life. I met someone. Woo hoo? We'll see. I had a blind date last week. I hate blind dates because 1. I don't know you 2. People never look like they do in their pictures.

(Which I'd like to take a minute and diverge. Why is that? I mean I understand choosing the best pictures you have that make you look good, but if you know that you don't look like that in person why set someone up for disappointment? If you're ugly, understand that and post accordingly. It doesn't help your situation if you go to meet someone and they think you look like one thing only to find out you look like some troll from the Brooklyn Bridge with bad teeth and a wonky eye. BYE! Its better to just not embarass yourself publicly and make it awkward for the other person to bow out gracefully. I, however, think I look the same in my pictures as I do in person. Thoughts? I'd like to know!! And I guess I'll divulge that I met this boy through an online site, and no it was not Manhunt or Gay.com or any other disgusting website that you exchange naked pictures and discuss what sexual positions you'll be peforming directly following drinks at the club! Also...BYE!)

Ok back to it. 3. There's no easy way to peace out if you're completely not interested. I mean, what do you do if they want your number and you don't want to give it. Or maybe you have mutual friends which could screw things up....So many factors against blind dates but, I had to take the risk. I had nothing to lose really and its time for me to get out there in the field again. Aside from Rescue Me Fuck Face I haven't really put myself out there. Its hard, you know. Thinking all you want is a good romp in the sack but, deep down we want to be with someone that cares for you uncoditionally; someone to cuddle with and share similar interests on a deeply personal level. Right? Alright enough of the sappy bull shit, back to the story.

So I meet...and we'll call him Buddy. So I meet Buddy at Vinoteca for some wine. Cute place, great happy hour specials on wine; I highly reccommend! Three hours later we get up to leave. Awesome! The conversation was great, there was no awkward silences, and it didn't hurt that he was adorable to look at. We hit it off great, at least I think so and we have plans for him to come to BSpears evening (more later) on Friday. Which he did...again hit it off great and I ended up going home with him for the evening. We talked a bunch at one point told me that he didn't think I was genuinely intersted when I first sent him a message. I asked why and Buddy responded "Because I didn't think that someone like you would ever be interested in somone like me." I melted...puddle, drool, liquid mush. It was the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. Needless to say we have a lot in common and even though he's a big nerd, I like that because on some levels I am too.

We'll see how this one goes. I'm not trying to put any expectations on the situation because, you know me...I get attached becasue I think its a good thing and then left without a reasonable explanation. I'm done wasting my time and even though I hope this one won't turn out to be like every other jerk off out there...I'm still being cautious! We're doing dinner and a movie at his place tomorrow. Let's see if I can charm Mr. Buddy with my mean chicken parm and hope he picks a good movie :) Will update accordingly!

I'm tired of typing and I'm hungry for my buffalo chicken dip and peanut butter sandwhich in the fridge so I'm peacing out. I'll divulge more on Britney Spears nigh including my t-shirt, Straight Lady and her new beaux ;), and the all around debaucherousness of my fellow co-workers and STC actors.

Ciao!

To Be or Not To Be....A Tranny?

2009-03-10T10:55:00.005-04:00

House Report: It seems that one of our patrons ate the display éclair this evening. He ordered it, paid for it, and before the cashier could get a fresh one he had eaten the display one.

A day in the life of an Executive Assistant:

I thought, since I've been so busy at work and hadn't posted anything in a while I'd share a few of my experiences in my new job. The above is just one of many dumb things patrons do during a show. Most of them are 89 years old with more than one foot in the grave which would explain the eating of a plastic display pastry. They're just happy to be alive and going to the "theata" for a classy evening of Shakespeare. Little do they know that when their bladder releases at inopportune moments leaving a trail of pittle on the way to the bathroom, all of us here at work get to read about it the next morning! (Yes that happened too).

Upon arriving at work I sit down and sort through a mountain of emails...mostly spam from the old assistant, who was fired. If you'd like to know more ask me and I'd be happy to recount the big mess that bitch created that I am currently helping to clean up two months later. But as someone put it, it was because of his stupidity that I have a job. So if you're out there, kiddo, a big thank you for making the biggest mistake of your career so that I can start mine :) Nothing like knowing that you'll never get a job in theatre again! Oh and, don't drop the soap ;)

After emails I check my to do list and check in with Michael (moving foward; MK). Sometimes days are crazy, others are quiet but I have gotten to do some pretty cool things thus far. At least to me. I may not be performing surgery or working with lab rats but I am in a position that makes me happy and gives me full, uninhibited access to the largest theater in DC much less the entire DC arts community. Plus I just got baller business cards which makes me feel like a professional again AND I get to take a Directing Class with the Associate Artistic Director for free!

Going over my to do list from last week:

1. Send correspondance to the following people: Justice Ginsburg, Chelsea and Hilary Clinton, Michelle Obama's social secretary, Justice Alito, Stephen Beyer and many more. (There's an awesome event we're planning here at STC and inviting all these members of the administration both new and old to introduce to the arts in DC).
2. Call the three leads from Dog in the Manger and schedule them for drinks on Tuesday. (I have a secret crush on David Turner; he was the lead in the national tour of Spamalot).
3. Drive the convertible back to the office to pick up tax stuff.
4. Call Bob Boyett (If you don't recognize the name you might recognize Miller-Boyett Productions...the peeps responsbile for Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step).
5. Type Senior Staff minutes
6. Update calendars
7. Schedule task force meeting with members from the Board of Trustees
8. Get Dixie Carter and Avery Brooks on the phone.

That's a good rounded summary of the kinds of things I do on a regular basis. Again, some of it is not the most appealing and mundane in nature but, as I said I'm in a place where I have infinite access to everything I want to learn about in this field and from the best of the best. Funny thing is, I've learned that MK is just a regular person like everyone else. Almost charming in his forgetful demeanor and child-like attitude towards certain things. Like his cat, for instance. Poor sucker had to get its back leg amputated. Not gonna to lie...its pretty funny to see a 3-legged cat with a plastic cone on its head scooting about on the hard wood flooring. Just visualize...you'll chuckle too, I promise. Or the way I have to take a lent brush to his suits before speaking in front of an audience or attending a cocktail reception. The job isn't quite like Devil Wears Prada but similar in nature :) I'll let you know when I start jetsetting to NYC for business!

Hope everyone is doing well!

JJ

A Recap: Part Deux and a Heif

2009-02-20T12:18:00.003-05:00

The picture is a little outdated...but I thought it was funny and appropriate to the story :)

Ok, so I believe I left off with The Twelve Year old...so let's commence.

This past Friday evening a big ole group of us go to Town to dance the evening away. Straight Lady and I, along with a few of our friends, go to JR's first for drinks. I have 5...don't judge, it had been a long week! So I'm feeling pretty toasty upon arrival at the club and proceed to have a great time. Amongst the company was Tortilla Strip, J-Crew (I have a good story about that one later), High School Musical (which moving forward has been renamed Sharpay), Legs McGee, and an assortment of other friends. I was having a lot of fun and not really on the prowl for any action that evening...but you know what they say...when you aren't looking forward is when everything tends to happen.

Anyway...I'm dancing and there's this little guy hanging around our crowd...slightly socially awkward and clingy. I come to find out he's Legs' friend and just trying to have a good time. I think he's a little dorky but I go with it and by the end of the night we're dancing together and making out. Ting! I'm taking him home. I'm drunk and decided it was perfectly fine to get a little somethin somethin out of this.

At this point in the evening I have lost everyone to the four corners of the club and start to leave...its 2:30 and I'm ready to get the plan started, if you know what I mean. So I leave with The Twelve Year old and go back to his place. I drive. First off, he doesn't know how to get back to his apartment from Town. Red flag number one. How do you not know? I finally make it to an area he recognizes in one smooth shot and I park. We go upstairs and start talking and I find out two things that immediately turn me off: he's 22 and a republican. Red flags number 2 and 3. Then the icing on the cake...he voted for McCain. Red flags number 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9....I should have left but I was tired and was still hopeful for something good to come out of the situation.

[The rest of this story is going to be told as if one were going to a restaurant on a date. Keep in mind that finishing the entree and having desert is a metaphor for getting it on in the best way possible.]
Ok so I think we're going for the full course meal and proceed to have drinks (making out). Then we stop and I was asked if I was disappointed...meaning I wasn't getting any. Fine...I'm ok with just drinks...I'm tired, its late...he's republican, its time for bed. BUT I was then accosted with more drinks about five minutes later and I think, Ok appetizers are being served and logically following, dinner and dessert. We get to dinner where he orders just for himself and eats while I watch and then came dessert which he also ordered and finished himself. I was left with watching the whole thing unfold and was stuck with the bill at the end and no dessert. In english...we got naked, he finished himself, and I got nothing but blue balls and a headache. Waste. Of. Time. Goodbye!!!

I should have known that a gay 22 year old republican wasn't going to be great, but to my defense I didn't know this information prior to entering his place of residence. I mean, he's a really nice kid...great kisser and not terribly unattractive. (I wouldn't have gone home with him unless I thought otherwise). But see here's the thing...Sunday rolls around and I guess he's drinking and playing games with his friends at his place and proceeds to text me like 8 thousand times to come over and hang out. Meanwhile I'm running around working because I went to see a play with my friends where I work and ended up walking into..well...work. So I was at Harris Teets getting a cheese platter and ignoring all these texts from Twelve Year old. Helllooooo...I'm working, we met two days ago, and you left me hanging...oh and did I mention you voted for McCain!!? Slow. Your. Roll. And give me your gay card...its been revoked in the name of all that is rainbow's and yellow equality signs. You can have it back when you've earned your high heels in this area! I swear to Ganymede...all I needed was for him to tell me he shops at Kohl's for me to throw my bronzer compact at his face and run screaming out the door!

Lesson to be learned here...stay away from people who look like they're 12 and make sure they aren't republican beforehand. Doesn't make for a fun evening and you're just going to have to excuse yourself and do things yourself. Needless to say we will not be going out on a date...friends I'm ok with.

And just to wrap up everyone else's evening post-Town. J-Crew ended up getting so drunk that he passed out on the couch downstairs next to the dance floor, vomed all over the club when he was woken up, and then spent the night in the back seat of his own car in his own parking garage for a good portion of the evening until Tort Strip forced him inside. Another friend of mine whom I'll call Schaff also threw up in the bathroom at Town...hot mess both of them. Straight Lady was angry at me because she thought I was leaving her and had to repay the cover to get back in the club and overdrafted her account. Other than that everyone else seemed to have a good time :) We'll definitely have to do it again!

Peace, Love, and Transexuals!

Jack

The Last Two Weeks...a recap part I

2009-02-17T15:52:00.005-05:00

Holy Buckets it has been far too long since I've written and I have much to disseminate to the masses! The past two weeks have been riddled with ridiculousness that has to be shared so let's begin...

So Straight Lady and I are invited to a friend's party. First of all its a hilighter party and was not aware of the fact prior to walking through the front door. I, of course, am wearing brown and proceed to be one of 2 people in the room that isn't glowing. Secondly, who the hell throws a hilighter party post college time? Can we discuss for a hot minute how old we all are and step up the party game to something a little more sophisticated and less tranny!? I was surrounded by masses of homosexuals who obviously don't know life outside of their backwater existance in the Prince William County area and the girls they brought along for the ride...most of whom took it up on themselves to "redesign" their white t-shirts to show as much skin as possible. Newsflash!! Everyone in the rooms a big Mo...flash your tatas all you like sugar lips, you ain't gettin any!

Anyway, past the initial awkward hello's upon first entering the room I was then hit with another wave of awkwardness when Resuce Me Joe: The Original put his arm around me. Let me explain. A year and a half ago I met this 22 year old firefighter/paramedic combo...just like my most recent Rescue Me Joe, whom...if you'll recall, has been renamed Rescue Me Fuck Face. He was nice we hung out/did stuff for like a month. That is, until he decided to remain at the bar with someone else and pick up his car from my apartment complex the next morning without another phone call again. Do I care? I did but I'm over it...I mean that's just rude. We recently reconnected via Facebook where he apologized for being a huge asshole which is fine...I don't hold grudges...at least not for very long (it causes wrinkles)! So annnnyway, he was at the party, which was fine, but he kept making really awkward comments for instance: He wanted to spray my hair white like all the other dorks in the room and I said no I was going downtown later and his reply "I'll follow you anywhere downtown with my hair painted too!" Or when he put his arm around me and was explaining to his pal that he was a real asshole to me and blah blah blah. I mean, get over yourself...you're a cutie but grow up.

I have found that the similarities between the original Rescue Me Joe and the latest installment of paramedical wastes of time are striking. Both of them lack a certain emotional maturity required to be in an adult relationship of any kind. The original left me without a phone call and the last one defriended me on Facebook. Seriously? A simple "I don't think this is working out." would have sufficed just fine. Another quality is that both seem to think that their job is something worldly that no one else comes close to. Newsflash! Its great you save lives, no one cares to hear about it 24/7. There are more things to talk about other than how you stuck an IV in someone's arm today. Guess what I saw a play at my job...yeah that's what I thought, just as interesting. Find new topics of conversation boys, and grow a pair while you're at it! Both of them were/are good people just quit acting like douche bags.

The lesson here folks: Stay away from career firefighters/paramedics. They're too emotionally unattached to people unless they're preventing someone from dying. I think its great what they do but it tends to be all they focus on in life. I think its good to have a career to remain extremely focused on and strive to be the best you can but either learn how to balance work and relationships or, do everyone a favor and don't get involved to begin with. Seriously! Hooking up is one thing, but beginning to date someone and then not have the balls to cut it off appropriately is another...

Speaking of hooking up...I have another number to add. I affectionately refer to him as The Twelve Year old...that's a story for part II of this recap!

Kisses,

JJ

Ash Wednesday? Did you mean SmAsh Wednesday!!?

2009-02-04T10:20:00.003-05:00

So I had to share a blurb from Miss Procras's blog...it was too good not to! She goes on a series of made up holidays to fill the gap one has an excuse to drink between now and the next big drink fest...St. Patty's Day. Below is the best one I think...enjoy and feel free to share any holidays you'd like to create! New traditions are always welcome :)

JJ

*Wednesday, 2/25: Many people are at church on Ash Wednesday. I haven’t been since 2002. My alternative? (Hopefully without sounding like too much of a blasphemer.) Flaming shots! The matches from lighting them on fire create ash…what better way to mark the start of Lent!

Costco, Chicken Bakes, Trannies...Oh My!

2009-02-02T15:05:00.005-05:00

Alrighty Peoples...I have returned once again.

This past weekend was interesting to say the least and I'm going to share with you accordingly. Hold on to your butts...and enjoy!

I have to begin with Friday morning, it starts a good precedent for the weekend. So I come in to work; its the last day of my first week in my new job and I'm feeling pretty great. Michael Kahn steps in and hands me a list of people he wants me to contact to set up phone conversations for later that afternoon/early next week. And guess, of all people, who was on the list. Christina Scheppleman. I'm going to assume that no one knows who she is...hell I wouldn't know who she is EXCEPT for the fact that its The Ex's boss. Yep, she works at the Washington National Opera...second in command really. So I look on the website...there's no number for her and I don't know who else to get a hold of so who do I have to call...The Ex. Yep...reallllllly great way to start the weekend. "Hello, we haven't spoken in 6 months because I think you're a bag of douche but I need to make an appointment with your boss on bahalf of my boss...blah blah blah." Shoot me in the face!

All told it wasn't that big of a deal after the initial exchange of shaloms. It was kept professional and it was actually nice to hear his voice again...it has been a while.

ANYWAY, after that awkward encounter I spent the rest of the day doing nothing because Michael left at 1:30 and I worked on other things...ie gchat! Friday night I went out to happy hour with co-workers to welcome me to the theatre and then went out with Straight Lady...JR's per usual, then we were heading to Town but ended up at Cobalt instead and met up with Tortilla Strip, J-Crew, and Leg's McGee (see previous posts for more information). We all had a good time aside from the husband-husband drama between Tort and J-Crew. I swear they have an issue everytime we go out. Laaaame! Goodbye!

Saturday I wake up and head to the theatre I manage and help with build and painting. Tort meets me and we go to heaven...and by heaven I mean lunch...and by lunch I really mean heaven...and by I really mean heaven I really mean Lunch at Costco. Two words bitches...Chicken. Bake. Let's discuss please. It is a roll of dough covered with asiago cheese...inside chunks of chicken, cheese, bacon, and cesar dressing. (I don't like cesar but the combo was amazing). I had a mini O upon consumption of this gloriously greasy log of deliciousness. Highly reccomend it for any morning hangover cure. Along with a soda each, and one non-fat froyo between us the total was...8 dollars. Shut the hell up! Eight tranny dollars for all that food. Moving forward I will continue to eat at Costco on an ongoing basis in order to fully develop my appreciation for cheap food in what can only be described as White Trash Mecca. Done!

As we're eating our cheap meal I start to really notice my surroundings. I can't tell you how many matching sweatsuits, sideways pony tails, and all around trash there was walking around. I felt like more than half the people at the Costco...in Manassas might I add...got dressed in the dark from a closet filled with clothes from Marshalls. There were, however, some good looking gentleman there. Tort made fun of me by saying I was going to find the love of my life there. I can see it now..."JJ, where did you meet your boyfriend?" "Since you asked...He pulled up next to me while I was consuming my 3rd chicken bake of the day. His cart was full of bulk items that would have fed a small country for a day. He smiled, said hi. I smiled back. We chatted over non-fat frozen yogurt and then he helped me pick a new flavor of toothpaste that came in a pack of 47 tubes." You say tranny? I say perfection!

But, alas, all I got was an 8 year old at the table next to us. He has to be described as one of those children that you want to believe has a mental illness but, in actuality does not...they just look stupid naturally. The boy hadn't had a shower in probably 4 days and he was staring at us. There were crumbs on the table and the right thing to do would be to brush them off. He did...except instead of brushing them on the floor, he wiped his finger down the table and the proceeded to put it in his mouth. Oh. My. God. Goodbye! I mean I understand being hungry but eating the crumbs left over from the mexican family and their 9 children is NOT sanitary! Good thing I had already finished my chicken bake...we would of had words, the child and I, had that interupted anything other than the frozen yogurt. So we finished up and went shopping for what we needed and left.

Saturday night I went out with some friends for a birthday in Manassas and then went downtown with Miss Procras! JR's...again. We had fun. I ended up trying to talk to this guy who seemed interested but he was shy and we kept getting interupted by a multitude of drunk assholes that wouldn't leave him alone. I swear its like the gays know when there's a cute shy one...they all want to take him. I didn't sink my talons in far enough because he ended up leaving with his friend because he was annoyed with everyone. I don't blame him.

Superbowl sunday wasn't super. I made buffalo chicken dip...um delicious! and hung out with my friend High School Muscical. Her and I go way back to HS and it was nice to pig out and do nothing all day! I went home before half-time and watched a movie instead.

That's all..I'm tired of typing and I don't care enough about any of you to continue any further :) Word of advice though, for this posting at least, don't deny the many wonders Costco has to offer. Go. Enjoy the chicken bake. Don't be ashamed. As Tortilla Strip put so eloquently "Its ok to partake in what the little people enjoy on a regular basis.' Ah...so true although can't be seen doing that shit too much...I might start buying things from places like Kohl's and then I ask everyone to throw a pair of minolo's at my face and bring my back to reality!

Ciao!

Shakespeare, America, and Your Mom

2009-01-23T14:11:00.004-05:00

Good afternoon:

Congratulations and thank you to everyone for their hard work withthe demanding events over the weekend through Tuesday. Everythingwas well received and we made many new friends.

I am pleased to announce Ray Bracken will be leaving his post at thebox office and joining us here at 516 as my assistant and also tohelp Chris Jennings with his phone calls and schedule. Ray begins onMonday, 26 January 2009 and will be transitioning with Steven for afew days so please be patient and cotinue to double check yourmeeting confirmations and voice-mail mesages for the next few days.Please join me in welcoming Ray.

A welcome breakfast for Ray will beannounced early next week.

Take care,

Michael

Shalom and good afternoogen,

Above is an email that went out to the entire company here at Shakespeare Theatre Company sent by Michael Kahn himself! If you don't know who he is you should google him and click on his wikipedia page...he's the artistic director here and a very important man. So that email went out and I got even more excited to start my new job on Monday. Its going to be like Devil Wears Prada in the theatre world...except Michael Kahn isn't a raging bitch like Meryl Streep was in the movie! It makes my commute about 20 minutes longer but who the heck cares!! I'm Michael Kahn's assistant and when I leave his service I will have a very solid reference and, hopefully, a lot of doors opened for me :)

Sorry readers, that I have been MIA lately. I just don't really have anything interesting to discuss that are worth an entire post about. Although my friend Popped Collar and I had a very lengthy discussion regarding one night stands and the logistics behind the walk of shame. There are definitely pros and cons to going home with someone vs. bringing someone home with you. It was an interesting topic and worth a discussion. If you have any thoughts on the matter please feel free to comment. In fact, it'd be nice to get a comment or two from the readers out there. Feedback is always helpful in creating new and improved postings. Care to know my thoughts on anything? Advice? I got lots!! I mean its not everyday that you have an easily accessible gay man to answer your questions and tell you "Your boobs look great in that top," or to reaffirm you distaste for the male sex and then provide you tips on how to pick one of them up that evening!

No real updates on the 2009 other than the job breakthrough. I still haven't run into Resuce Me Fucktard since New Year's...which is probably a good thing because I don't need to be wasting an expensive martini by dumping it on his head...its better served in my stomache :) The Ex, I believe, has a new play thing or whatever he is. Kind of cute in the dorky, big dark framed glasses kind of way. Good for him...hopefully he's found someone that puts up with his bullshit the way I did. He also seems to have lost weight which is also good! I have still not recomitted to the gym...it truly was a one time thing. I've accepted my place on the couch with Doritos and Milk at 3am when I can't sleep!

Inauguration was crazy! I'm so glad Obama has control now but nervous that people are putting too much emphasis on him and not being realistic about how long its going to take to fix this messed up economy! Hello?! America is like finding the perfect outfit complete with an Ed Hardy t-shirt, Citizen jeans, Puma shoes, and Dolce sunglasses. You can't just replace that shit with something like a blazer from Kohl's....omg VOM! It takes time to find the perfect outfit just like its going to take time for America to recover. I mean Bush is gone like a bad outbreak of genital herpes but Obama isn't the cure...yet.

Alright enough with the metaphors...now I'm starting to sounds like a Tranny! So I'm done talking for now. Like I said lend me your thoughts or questions...I'd love to answer them. Its a lot better than taking the energy to make fun of other people...really I can just make fun of you ;) J/K!

2009...an Update

2009-01-15T16:27:00.002-05:00

Good Afternoon and a Heif,

Its been quite a rollercoaster of fun on my end of things, let me tell you. 2009 has definitely had its ups and downs so far and we're only 15 days in...oucha magoucha!

I've been keeping up with the grooming...arms = still shaved. As far as my venture of casual encounters is concerned the number is 1 hook up and a make out session at Town. Trying to keep it on the low key...can't be catching diseases; that would not look good to my social standing! I even attempted a gym routine which lasted 1 day. I should have taken my own advice and sat my fat ass on the couch and ate my doritos like the rest of America but I foolishly attempted otherwise. What as I thinking? My interviews have been going well...everything seems to be pointing me to one position in particular which I'm having the second round conducted tomorrow...Wish me luck because its the one I really want!

Other than that 2009 has proven to be the same old bullshit as 2008. I'm still a struggling broke ass and still dealing with the same nonsense. As I mentioned I'm trying to steer away from the drama but yet it somehow continues to find its way in my life...kind of like a bad case of crabs that require shaving and good delousing to get rid of. The bitches just won't go away. But I see it as an opportunity for growth and rather stick a prada boot in the ass of annoyances I'll settle for a lengthy discussion to improve the day-to-day lives of myself and those around me.

People should do the same. Chill, relax...take a vicodin and pour yourself a cocktail. (My drink of choice Jack Daniels of course!) 2009 is going to be full of surprises, I'm sure. Not all of it is going to be good but being optimistic is the only way I know how to deal with the stressful things going in my life at the moment. Looking on the brightside I'm not in jail...yet...and I'm finding creative new ways to put outfits together to make it look like I have new clothes despite the fact that I haven't gotten any new clothes in 3 months! Creativity people! That or being gay? Whichever works best for you. I reccomend being gay...at least when we're bitchy its completely expected and unsurprising. Kind of like when a woman on her period is speaking. Just nod and say ok and we'll be placated until the next ridiculous thing happens that sends us spinning off into a whirlwind of flying shoes and bronzer compacts! Just let it happen, seriously...just let it happen...you'll be safer that way ;)

Alllllright...well I'm out for now. This wasn't a terribly interesting post but I guess I can't be on point all the time. Well maybe I can...everyone should strive for perfection because seeing you in that outfit makes me wonder if you got dressed in the dark! As I mentioned in my last post...look in the mirror every once in a while...just because we're all poor doesn't mean we have to look like it :)

Peace Bitches!

JJ

Auld Lang Syne and all that nonsense...2009; And so it begins

2009-01-07T17:25:00.003-05:00

Happy New year all that Jazz! I know I've been on a little break, but a LOT has happened since my last post and I needed a breather to consolidate it all before continuing with the many adventures of Just Jack. So here goes...

First, things with Rescue Me Joe are done. I should be more upset but, its 2009...new year, new me? But that's what everyone says when the new year rolls around and we all say "I'm going to lose 10 lbs" and flood the gym for a month before returning to your slovenly self. Do yourself a favor and just accept the fact that you're fat and enjoy life! Anyway...back to Joe. I said that things were being weird and so we kind of talked about it a bit and he wanted to slow things down. I was suprised because that bitch was the one who was putting the foot to the gas. Its kind of hard to "slow down" when someone sends you messages like "You're completely different than everyone I've ever dated." and "I want to spend a long time getting to know you and making it work no matter what it takes." ...Did you just vom in your mouth because I did...and then all over my sweater vest!

New Year's Eve...he walks into the bar I'm at...gives me a half ass hug and continues to coat check and then upstairs. I don't see him for the rest of the night. But I didn't let that stop me from having a great time...more in a bit. So that was a dick thing to do. THEN I don't hear from him for two days and then Friday morning I find that the asshole defriended me on Facebook. Um are you five? Get over yourself you big asshole! I was more angry that he didn't have the balls to say something to my face like a real man but instead took me off his friend list...really classy jerk off. I hope you get pricked by an infected needle and your dick goes limp permanently.

But I'm not angry ;) In all honesty I'm completely over the situation and think its funny more than anything. I've decided to move towards a whore approach to my life situation right now. Nothing but down and dirty, sweaty sex with attractive gentlemen (safe of course). Screw relationships, I'm tired of putting in effort with losers!

Back to New Year's Eve. The night, other than Rescue Me Fuck Face, was amazing. Halo for martini's, JR's for champagne toast, and Cobalt for late night dancing. All with a great group of people including Straight Lady, of course, and our friends Chocolate Chip and Legs McGee. I even made out with all three of them in a totally blacked out platonic sense....It. Was. Awesome!

Other than that the new year has been good to me thus far. I have three interviews lined up for great jobs so even if I don't get a single one of them I know that there is hope for this economy and for me to keep pushing on! Among my new year's resolutions I'm trying to quit bad habits...trying being the operative word...and looking more put together...which for now means shaving my upper arm hair. Don't judge, it makes a world of difference and if you're a hairy tranny maybe you should try it too along with that disgusting back hair you have...GOOD Bye! Other than that I don't really have any resolutions other than to just take care of myself more. Fuck other people right now...I have big problems and can't be dealing with other people's petty drama so keep it to yourself. I'm tired of hearing how you got drunk and made out with so and so and then turned around and slept with your ex. I don't have time for it and I definitely don't have time for those tranny pumps you're probably wearing. Word of advice...look in the mirror, it helps!

I guess what I'm trying to say is stop being the person you think everyone wants you to be. Its time to start living life the way you intended it and not for anyone else. I know that's cheesy but its true. The world is changing right now and it might be a good idea to reassess yourself and make some changes...real, honest, attainable changes that make you happy in the long run. Just make sure it doesn't involve discount shopping...no one likes a whore in fake gucci!

Love you mean it!

JJ

Post Christmas Wrap Up...three words...Hot. Tranny. Mess.

2008-12-27T21:06:00.006-05:00

Good evening people,

So I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night having a glass or 3 of wine and thinking back on the past 4 days and all the many things that I have to share with you. I honestly don't know where to begin, except the very begining...which I'm told is a very good place to start according that whore singing about do ray me.

Wednesday.

I get home and say hi to the family. Dinner is involved, as is the vodka juice drinks I began to partake in. My family goes to midnight mass every year while I stay at home and enjoy my alcohol. (There are reasons I don't go to church.) Lately I've been having this queer craving to watch Beauty and the Beast and so, decided to take the opportunity of the absence of my family to watch the VHS we have at home. Mind you, I did the same thing last year and I believe I've started a little tradition. Family goes to church. I watch Beauty and the Beast. Done and Done. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and passed out before the family came home...perfect. Good. Bye.

Thursday.

Christmas! We all were, of course, up at 8. Overall I had an enjoyable morning of nice presents from the family. Presents include a new digital camera, money, and socks. Can't ever get enough socks! The rest of the day was spent watching the new verizon fios movie channels my parents upgraded to. Movies watched included: Eragon, P.S. I Love You, and Fried Green Tomatoes. Dinner was fine...my mother asked me what was wrong. The response I wanted to give her was "I'm queer, bye!" But that didn't happen. Oh well! Then I went to hang out with my friend Starfish. We went to get a drink...and by drink I mean I lost control of my face. It literally came off from the amount of alcohol we consumed. We went to Kelly's and ordered the following between the two of us: 1 miller lite, 2 or 3 vodka sprites, 2 jack and cokes, and 3 soco and lime shots. I'm expecting a 60+ dollar bar tab....OH no folks....it was $14.50. Shut the hell up! Get out of here! Well were in a good mood and the bar closed at 11 sooooooo we went home. Yeah...right. That's what should of happened. Instead we purchased a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade and went to the beach, sang songs at the top of our lungs, and cried about our broken love lives. How I made it home...I dunno. But I did and had to pass my father and brother who were still up to make it up to my bed where I passed out in clothes. Perfect.

Friday. (I'm going to preface this day as a really bad one...so probably not going to be funny).

I wake up feeling disgusting. Can't imagine why...I only had 10 drinks the night before. ANYWAY...I went to visit my old friends at Chili's where I used to work. I have a very dear friend named Loren. She doesn't work there anymore but she is the very first person I came out to and bonded with when I had no one after everyone else had jobs after school and I was hosting at Chili's. She's been in and out of the hospital the past year with agressive cancer. I get updates from Chili's because Loren doesn't return my calls, probably because she's getting chemo. Well, she's 90 lbs and not going to make it much longer...did I mention she's 26? After that I went with my mom to the Catholic store to exchange my St. Christopher medal for a smaller pendant. She proceeded to call me atheist in front of the clerk and THEN on the ride home told me I should purchase a tape recorder, record my voice for a day and listen to it because I should change how I talk. Hidden meaning: "Ray you sound like a fairy." I'm not sure I have ever been more offended by my tranny of a mother.

Meanwhile...the entire time I was home I don't think I talked to Rescue Me Joe for more than a text here and there. Strange because he texts me like 20 times a day...which I like...so I knew something was off. He's not a fan of the holidays...some people aren't, can't hold it against them but talk to me right? Nothing. So we finally talk about it when I get back to DC Friday afternoon. Things are cool, done. I'm going out with my friend J-Crew and his boyfriend Tortilla Strip and am getting excited because I am planning on seeing Rescue Me Joe after 4 days. He's going to be in the area, I'm going to be in the area...logically speaking we're going to see each other? Yeah, not so much. He went to Nellie's and I was at JR's and didn't leave much invitation to come join him. I don't hear back from him for the rest of the evening and I go home with my friends crying about my insecurities and amazing amount of alcohol I seemed to have consumed before 1. Not a good day for Just Jack.

Saturday.

I get a text from Rescue Me Joe saying he has been called in to work and can't make the play I had tickets for at Shakespeare as well as dinner reservations that he didn't know about. I, of course, immediately think something is wrong and he no longer wants to see me. The past four days have just been too weird when one goes from talking all the time to nothing for 3 days and not even a hello when we were 2 blocks apart. I admit I may have overreacted a bit but can you blame a girl. Here I meet this incredible person who has swept me off my feet the past 3 weeks and then all of a sudden it feels like everything is going to shit and I feel responsible. Like I somehow did something...because that's generally my pattern with men. They tend to drop me and I can't seem to figure out what about me offends people so that I'm no longer worth their time. So please let me know if you have any insight to the situation...constructive, friendly criticism is welcome. I tried to understand him but he wasn't answering me. I even stopped by the apartment but I got nothing. Later I find that he was just mad at me for being an asshole via texting but we still haven't really talked.

I go to work, I come home and proceed to watch Grey's Anatomy for the next 5 hours while consuming a pizza I purchased.

Overall I didn't really have a great 4 days...yesterday in particular. I guess I always try to live my life based on the experience I bring to the table. My experience with dating...not good. I don't know how to read people and when they begin to move at different speeds I can't keep up and I get insecure. My mother is still my mother and made me feel pretty awful about myself. What I'm trying to say is that people can't improve themselves without the help of other people. I take patience, I admit and the comment from my mother is not the kind of improvement I'm looking for. I'm me and here and now and all I can do is be the person I think I should be and expect others to do the same. Talk. Communicate. If you don't, you're just a big ass annoying tranny that no one can figure out and everyone just wants to throw an ugly pair of boots purchased from Ross at your face.

Something in a Robin's Egg Blue Box Please

2008-12-18T13:10:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I got immediate feedback that my last post was kind of melancholy and so I guess I have to fire back with something a little more my style of posting.

With that being said, my previous posts talked about the 2 things I want most for Christmas this season...one of which I kind of have...THIS post however will be dedicated to all the things I want. Just because I only asked for 2 things doesn't mean I don't want like a dozen things...feel free to shower my broke ass accordingly. You might just get a really awesome pair of pine cone earings and an acorn necklace to match ;)

Ray's Tranny Christmas List:

1. Dolce Sunglasses

2. Shirts (I wear a small)

3. Nice, expensive jeans (Lucky, Guess) (Waist = 28in...be jealous, its ok)

4. New comforter (Queen size)

5. Season 4: Grey's Anatomy DVD's

6. Jack Spade Bag

7. Coach Messenger Bag

8. My credit card paid off (that would warrent the pine cone earings, acorn necklace, and a sexual favor performed by myself or someone else of choice!)

9. $1000 cash or check only...I can't process credit at this time

10. Laptop

11. New cell phone

12. Year long gym membership

That's completely not a lot to ask for, right? Completely doable by all! I'll be sure to register at Williams and Sonoma too so I can begin acquiring the things I'll need to be a proper stay at home husband :) It'll be under the name Anastasia Beaverhausen!

Thanks everyone and have an AWESOME Holiday!!

For Christmas I Want a Red Rider BB Gun...for the sole intent of shooting my eye out!

2008-12-18T11:34:00.009-05:00

Shalom good people and Happy Thursday!

The big day is just around the corner and I thought it more than appropriate to address the many goings on that surround this much anticipated day. For me, personally, it hasn't really felt like the holidays. I still have a crappy paying job and left with no money to show my affection to those that I care most about. This year, I've decided everyone is getting handmade gifts from things I find in nature or around the house. Ideas include but are not limited to the following: Pine cone necklaces, used candles, shrubbery cleverly made into a scarf, and socks. (Everyone enjoys a good pair of socks! Right?)

Being that I'm a struggling 24 year old I haven't asked for much this Christmas with the exception of two things...which if you know me you'll already know what two things I'm talking about. 1. A Job and 2. A Boy. Now that's complicated because it leaves room for much interpretation to the ambiguousness of my request so let me explain. I need a job that pays well enough to meet my meager desires of youth and responsibility. In other words, bitch has got to pay his bills and have money enough to indulge in the finer things in life such as alcohol and clothes...what else? This is proving to be a challenge for me because I, along with the rest of tranny America, is struggling in this shit of an economy. Despite my resume being packed with solid experience and a personality for days, I can't get employment because I'm competing against an ass load of other applicants trying to make it work too. Thus is why I asked for a job for Christmas...maybe, at the end of the day, the fat man in the red suit can lend a helping hand and stuff an offer letter into my stocking...no sexual pun intended so don't even go there ;)

The second thing I asked for this Christmas is a Boy. Though I officially am outside of my rights, at this point, to make a judgement call on that I have landed a rather personable, attractive gentlemen affectionately called Rescue Me Joe. (See previous posts for further explanation). Technically speaking I got what I wanted but we're still in the "getting-to-know-you" portion of things...which is fine by me. The last thing I need right now is a full fledged relationship to which I'm monetarily inadequate to fullfill. NEWSFLASH! Living in Gainesville is completely not ok for a city girl trying to make it..especially when one is pursuing and being pursued by probably the nicest, most straightforward person I have ever met. Which brings us back to the job...it is pertinent that I find something suitable so I can quit feeling insecure about myself and join the rest of the professional twenty-somethings that attend things such as Happy Hours and Company Holiday parties. What are those? I don't know but I am determined to find out!

I guess all told, at the end of the day the best thing for me to do would be to pack my shit and move back home with my mother...you know, save money. In other words kill myself! Love the family to death...but that would just be a death sentence on my part. My friends keep telling me to keep going and push through but this is damn hard and I'm starting to get tired of making an effort that continues to be fruitless. I told myself that if I didn't get it together by the end of December I was going to give up...now that I have Rescue Me Joe I have a little more motivation to keep going. At least there won't be any expectation of a lavish lifestyle with me...Joe-"What's for dinner?" Me-"Ramen and tuna from a can!" And I don't even like tuna! Ok maybe not that bad but its definitely what it feels like at the moment.

In conclusion, the holidays are just another reason to introspect on your current life situation. Mine...almost absolute shit BUT I have people I know that care about me enough to want to see me succeed and I now have Joe to stick around for and give it a good shot. I think its worth it, at least. If any of you are in my position, holler back and we'll make handmade presents from pinecones and shrubbery together. I'll provide the hot glue gun and you provide the hardships you bear so that we can commiserate on them together over a large bottle of wine...or brandy...but probably wine because brandy is expensive!

Floating on Cloud 9? What does that even mean?!

2008-12-14T22:15:00.003-05:00

So folks, I can't really sleep despite the amazing long weekend I had but here I am. Decided to post late night to recap on the weekend and share a few things...

My weekend officially started on Thursday as I had the Friday off. Straight Lady and I planned on a girl's night in which I was more than looking forward to! She was in charge of purchasing the goods for the evening. The list was as follows:
1. Fresh Farm brand mozzarella sticks.
2. Acquire a movie
3. Merlot or Shiraz big boy bottle of wine
4. Order a pizza upon arrival

Great list...right? None of it came true except the wine. They didn't have the mozz sticks, she brought her own movies, and her account was hacked and lots of money was removed which meant no ordering pizza. Girl's night was not turning out the way I had anticipated. HOWEVER, to her credit, she did purchase (with a check) delicious frozen pizza, wine, and chips and dip that wasn't of the salsa/tortilla chip persuasion! Nice recovery Straight Lady! The night was great...we got pretty hammered and discussed a lot of things and caught up on being the best friends that we'll always be.

Friday was much anticipated because it was the 2nd weekend of the show I'm in and I was going out with half the cast to JR's to hang out! The performance went well and I went downtown with everyone and had an amazing time. The atmosphere was awesome...HOWEVER the Ex was there as was the gentleman I may or may not have went home with a month ago and never officially got a number much less a name...ooops. Made for an interesting time with him standing right next to our group. That wasn't as bad as the Ex. That boy planted his ass at the top of the stairs. 1. He always hangs out downstairs and 2. I was already upstairs. Why in god's green earth would you put yourself there knowing I would be travelling back and forth via the stairs to A. Get more drinks and B. Use the bathroom. Shalom and a hief? Why? Like Straight Lady always tells me, its only an awkward situation if you make it awkward. So I didn't...I did my thing and hung out with a great group of people from the cast and had a blast.

Moving on to Saturday...This, my friends, is the most anticipated day of the week because....it was DATE NIGHT with Rescue Me Joe finally! The day couldn't pass quickly enough but at last it did. He met me for an appetizer at Coastal Flats and then I whisked him to the theatre for our champagne reception and to see my performance. I know it may have been a little overwhelming for a first date but, I guess one has to be thrown in the pool if they're going to figure out how to swim and let me tell you, friends, he could have been Michael Phelps for how great he was with everyone. HOWEVER, on the way back to his car (I drove to the theatre) I was pulled over by no less than a homosexual cop. Why? Because my tags were expired. How awesome was that to add to the first date experience. I was mortified but Rescue Joe was amazing and didn't care and made me feel better. Thank goodness I didn't get a ticket...probably because the cop was queer...ugh...BYE! Afterwards we went back to his place and canoodled on the couch and watched Ratatouille and then I went home. Well, not home, but to my friend's place and had a drink/talked. Then I introduced her to the Hawaii Chair...if you don't know what I'm talking about You Tube it immediately!!!!

Sunday rolls around, we had an amazing performance with a packed house and now I'm here...glass of wine in reaching distance and blogging about my life. I find it fascinating that I always seem to have an abundance of stories to discuss and feel that no one else can say they were pulled over on their first date. At least no one threw up...(that's another story all together and maybe one day I'll divulge!) I'm not really sure there is a moral of the story or silver lining to anything I've written this evening other than life is really hard right now...for me and a lot of people. But one can always expect the unexpected to pop in your life at the exact moment you need it most. You may think it should come long before it actually does, but when it happens it gives you the boost you need to keep pushing forward and hope for the best in the end. Its all any of us can do to survive...hope for the best and work with what you have!

Night!

JJ

Happy Christmas Party...Complete with Open Bars, Drag Queen Sing-A-Longs, and Ex Boyfriends

2008-12-11T11:13:00.004-05:00

Ok, I'm back...its been a while but I'm here and ready to continue my judgement of the world!

So Tuesday of this week I and my bestfriend in the entire world, whom I'll call Straight Lady, were invited to JR's Christmas Party that was invite only. We were super excited for the evening and got dressed up and met up with friends accordingly. I was not particularly looking forward to the initial first eye-contact between my ex and I as this would be the first time I saw him after I drunkenly professed my feelings for him via facebook. I was pretty nervous upon entering the bar and sure enough we saw each other but I quickly looked away and focused on my beverage.

All in all the evening was awesome. There was an open bar which I didn't realize at first and lots of food that had been brought over to feed hungry bellies. It was interesting to see the variety of people there. I mean, this is the cream of the crop JR's patrons. Some people dressed up and others in casual attire. I stayed in my corner for most of the evening with Straight Lady and my other good friend, Golf Cap. The bartenders were in ties and looking sharp as well. The only person I was offended upon looking at him was an old man dressed in what only can be described as a Juan Valdez poncho and looked like he was straight off a floating door from a place that people apparently never shower. The man was shoveling food from his plate to his mouth via a pita chip and I almost threw up in my mouth twice. Huge Tranny and one that needs to learn how to eat in public without looking like a homeless person ravaging over a week old sandwhich from the dumpster where his cardboard box home is currently located. BYE!

There was one person, in particular, who kept oogling my goodies all evening. Normally I would be offended as most of the attention I get is from older men who don't know when its quitting time for shopping at Abercrombie and start looking for more age appropriate clothing from, say, Macy's. Straight Lady did not agree with my assessment of his level of cuteness but I was persistant and decided to continue to make eye contact back.

Now, let it be known, that I do not approach people. I'm under the philosophy that if you are going to be worth my time you'll come to me. I know that's way egotistical but I'm a shy person when it comes to that sort of stuff and I don't like making the first move as it could open myself up to vulnerability and I don't like that! After many, many looks back and forth Straight Lady told me to go to the bathroom and that she would rope him in (thanks Straight Lady). So I did and it worked like a charm. I was then introduced to Rescue Me Joe. He's my age and works as a paramedic/firefighter for McLean, Va. Ten hot points automatically. He has a little bit of a lisp which I found endearing and all told we hit it off smartly. (We have a date for Saturday which I'm excited for!)

The whole time this was taking place my ex was standing just feet away and witness to the whole exchange which made the night even sweeter. Not only had I found a good looking guy who was all over me but it sent a message to the Ex that I can and am doing better than you. I know this is wrong to think but I can't help it. And what made the whole night even better is that I saw him canoodling with some SF blonde guy at the end of the evening. Way to aim high kiddo, glad you gave this up for something like that...drunk or not!

I guess the point of this story is that, two hours before I didn't think I would ever be able to do better than the Ex. He meant a lot to me and still does but for the first time since the breakup I felt excited and I still have butterflies when I think about my upcoming date with Joe. I know I may be putting a lot of expectations on the situation and I'm trying to focus on the fact that A. I don't know how well he kisses B. We haven't had sex so I'm not sure how that works in the picture and C. I don't know him!!! The point, my friends, is that I finally have butterflies for someone other than the Ex and proves to myself that I'm finally, after all this damn time, ready to move on. I have met someone that puts a smile on my face and even if it doesn't work out because A, B, and C turn out to be awful, it doesn't matter. I haven't a desire to be that guy who's still pining over the Ex when clearly the Ex has moved on to bigger and fatter people! Its like I have finally exhaled.

So, my reccomendations for those who are still stuck in the rut of a past relationship is...continue to pine and be pathtic...because when the time comes that you finally realize how over it you actually are, the feeling is amazing. We all deserve better than the Ex and when your day finally comes you're going to be on happy camper...trust me, its been a long 6 months coming!

Happy Spanks Living Part dos...

2008-12-03T16:22:00.005-05:00

Alrighty...let's get back to the story.

I believe I left off after my fated but amazing experience at the Rainbow Cactus with my friend J-Crew.

Well after I got home I ended up on the computer for a drunken 30 minutes before passing out in my clothes. I did something incredibly stupid and sent a Facebook message to my ex telling him that I still missed him and hope that he's doing well. BAD idea! And through facebook? Really? I'm not really sure one can be more pathetic...so I guess there's nothing left to do but call myself a big Tranny Trainwreck for having the audacity to be such a loser...LAME. GOOD BYE!...damn facebook though for allowing the sending of messages without being friends with someone first! I got rid of his email address and phone number to avoid such occurences. Although, to my credit it has been a few months since my last relapse so I'm totally fine?...right?

Anyway, Thanksgiving rolls around and I was so hungover that I didn't really get to enjoy the wonderful meal my mother prepared. Although the whole experience was rather dreary because my grandmother just passed away and my mother decides to break out in random outbursts of tears at the mention of "Please pass the stuffing." My goodness. I took my siblings to Twilight where I wished that one of the vampires, who apparently glitter like fairy drag queens in the sunlight instead bursting into flames and dying, would jump off the screen and suck the life out of me so I wouldn't suffer through the boring ass movie any longer. In other words, Twiglight = Tranny...rent it, and go buy yourself a cocktail instead; your money will be better spent.

The rest of the weekend went buy without a hitch. I had to come in to work on Saturday (Shakespeare Theatre Company) and had rehearsal and set construction all day on Sunday for A Christmas Carol which I'm acting in. I used power tools including a power drill and a bandsaw. Impressive. Although I reverted right back to the queer that I am when a 12 year old british boy also acting in the show came up to me and asked if we had any more three and three quarter inch ply left...Excuse me? I ask. And then walk away to save the little dignity I had left in that moment.

There hasn't really been anything to discuss for this week either being that I've been at work and then rehearsal all week. So I guess the moral of this story is don't get drunk at places named after a desert plant and facebook message anyone inappropriate! It only causes a big awkward mess...done!

I'm sure I'll have a better story when the next holiday rolls around...something always good comes from drinking jim bean with the old man until he can't speak straight and goes to bed and then I have two more and make more bad decisions! Yay!

Peace Out...

JJ

Addition Rainbow Plant Post....

2008-12-01T12:00:00.002-05:00

J-Crew brought up a few valid points that needed to be mentioned in our experience that was an oversight on my part...Here is his email assessment below. Enjoy :)

Acurate description of the evenings event, JJ. But you failed to mention the stunning full zip, wool, argyle sweater I was wearing. I think we were also the only people there not wearing (1) sneakers, (2) ill-fitting clothing, or (3) indian feathers. -JCrew

Rainbow Plant...Or was it Cactus?

2008-12-01T10:44:00.003-05:00

Happy Monday,

I hope everyone enjoyed a nice long Thanksgiving Break or at the very least a nice long weekend. And if you didn't have either one, well, sucks for you!

I had a very interesting rollercoaster of fun over the break and it all begins with a little place I like to call Tran Central Station...or, as the locals say, The Rainbow Cactus...

My good friend J-Crew and I were both home in Virginia Beach visiting family for the holiday and decided to get together for drinks Wednesday evening. I, not knowing where else to go on a Wed night in Va Beach suggested the only gay bar I knew...The Rainbow Cactus. Let me preface this by the fact that I haven't been there in over 2 years...at least not since my spoiled existance in DC with places such as JR's and Town!

As I drive up I'm reminded about how ridiculous my experience is about to be when I remember that the bar is located in 1. A shopping center and 2. Next to a daycare. Awesome!

J-Crew and I both park, get out and walk in at 9:30pm. Good thing there's a pre-Thanksgiving party going on and the cover was waived...I'm so glad I saved that 3 dollars! I survey my surroundings, one, two, four...yep there are 6 people in the entire establishment and we make eight. What the hell, we'll grab some drinks and catch up...its whatever. There's a small group at one table accompanied by a SF (secretly fat) young man in multicolored Indian feathers and war paint. I'm so glad that he decided to dress up in festive, authentic Indian garb to celebrate the slaughter of Native Americans...good BYE! J-Crew and I go to the bar and I throw my card down to open a tab...we get our drinks and the bartender goes..."Just make sure you come back to me for your drinks all night." I take a minute to look around...again, there isn't anyone else in the bar and he is the only one serving...where the hell else am I supposed to go? Across the street to Plaza Azteca? I'm pretty sure they would at least have 9 mexicans and their 10,000 babies to make a better crowd!

Let's flash forward to 2 hours later. The bar has exploded with a multitude of people both gay and lesbian alike. Of course the women look like men and, truth be told, some of the men look like women. The comments were never ending and after 4 drinks each our opinions and judgements were as scathing as ever. Its funny to watch the crowd and observe the local behavior and what folks think is appropriate clothing to wear out. All in all there was so much ugly happening that I could barely contain myself.

Then the drag show begins...totally boring. These bitches have got nothing on the ho's at Town. I also find it greatly amusing that the bartender, left the bar to participate in giving each Tranny a dollar. I'm glad that the staff feels the need to support their own drag queens that they themselvers hire to put on a show. So I eventually get up to check my tab thinking we've hit at least 40 bucks with the 4 drinks each J-Crew and I had. So the bartender checks his pad and comes back to inform me that I was at 26$. I almost asked him to round it up to $30 so that I wouldn't feel as white trash as I did in that moment....8 drinks = $26...ridic.

Anyway, we, of course order another round or 2 and get sloshed...then we go on the dance floor where there is an abundance of bad dancing and fat people but we didn't care...it was past the time to judge and more appropriate to let our hair down and groove with the local homosexual population.

We ended up having a blast between making fun of the patrons and dancing the night away. I highly reccomend attending the local gay bar when you're next visiting relatives. It'll make you appreciate DC and what you have right here all the more!

Thanksgiving Weekend part deux coming soon...

We're All One Big....Dysfunctional Happy Tranny Fam

2008-11-25T11:10:00.002-05:00

Happy Tuesday Readers,

Turkey Day approaches and I hope everyone is excited to grow an extra ass cheek this Holiday Season...I know I am!! Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to reconnect with loved ones, stuff your face, and not feel absolutely guilty about waking up at 5 am to stand in line at Kohl's because they have the latest overstock of Candies shoes on sale for buy one get 4 free. Although, if that's the kind of person you are then we probably aren't friends...Kohl's? No ma'am pam!!

Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks for those things that we have been blessed with...so this post is naturally dedicated to what I am most thankful for this year! Enjoy!

First off, I'm thankful to have a wonderful group of friends that support me and help me in anyway they can in my time of greatest need. It would suck to be alone, with no friends, and nothing to do on the weekends except chat on the computer with Cyberbitch235 who's picture turns you on but really they look nothing like that in person... just to feel connected to the human race.

Second, I'm thankful for having a great family that gets along and is still in tact despite the fact that the divorce rate is the highest it has ever been, my sister isn't pregnant because she's not a slut like half the other teenagers spreading their legs for popularity and my brother is developing along smartly in school complete with a girlfriend on BC! Good call bro!

Lastly I'm thankful for my good spirit despite the harsh economic times and my severly underpaid self. At the end of the day I have a job and I'm not completely homeless, begging for scraps of food on the pavement by attracting wayfarers with my talents and abilities that include but are not limited to the following: beating rhythm on plastic drums, dancing of any kind, or simply holding a sign that says "I'm hungry and haven't eaten in 3 days" and hoping for the kindness of others to deposit a nickel in my used starbucks cup in hopes of getting enough to buy a double cheeseburger from the dollar menu at McD's!

I hope that each of you have things you are equally thankful for and you take the time to appreciate it them this Thanksgiving! Until next time...

Peace!

You Are So Not Metro...Sexual

2008-11-21T09:44:00.003-05:00

Good Morning Fellow Readers,

I woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed and thought "Today is going to be a good day!" I then proceeded to shower and pick out a great outfit fitting of my mood and got into the car. There was harldy any traffic on the highway on the way to the metro and there was plenty of parking in the garage. My mood elevated. I took the escalator down and headed towards the metro where I picked up my copy of Express and went to load more fare to my smart trip. I boarded the 2nd car down from the front and sat down...then it all came crashing down.

Let's just discuss for a minute what was going on in car #1. The person I sat next to smelled of cold cuts. Tranny. The person standing up next to me looked like a, well...tranny. Lastly there was a mentally off gentleman muttering lord knows to himself behind me. Done! I got up and went to two cars down and found a peaceful spot near the front of the train. Mind you I'm in Vienna on the way to Chinatown/Gallery Place so I was in for a long haul.

People came and went, boarded, and got off and I sat there the whole time with my sunglasses on taking in the lot. I can't help but really enjoy a good metro ride into the city. Being a silent observer of people, I, of course, look at each and every person that surrounds me. And I have found that there are always the same types of people who partake in DC's fine public transportation system.

1. The people who think that standing and reading a book/doing a crossword is a great way to ride in. I like to watch these folks in particular who try and time the metro ride just right to squeeze in an answer or turn the page just before they have to grip the bar in order to not fall into the person next to them. Sit down or find something better to do with your time! BYE!
2. The women/girls and sometimes men who wear tenni pumps to ease their weary soles on the way to work and then change into pumps or dress shoes when they arrive. Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the saying is "Beauty knows no pain!" If you can't find comfortable heels/shoes to commute in then wear flats or stay home. Sneakers are disgusting when wore with say...tights and a skirt. BYE!
3. Lastly there are the people who find it necessary to talk on the phone/crackberry. I understand that sometimes its important, but the entire metro does not need to hear about your shit on an early morning commute into the city. Keep your drunken sotries about how wasted you were at happy hour and Bobby felt you up but then hit on another girl while making out with your bestfriend's sister at Rock Bottom during $1.50 beer night. GOOD! BYE!

All in all riding the metro provides for an exciting obesrvation on human life during rush hour commute. People are in such a hurry that they rarely take the time to look around at the hundreds of other people trying to work it out just the same as you. Next time you commute in, take the time to slow down when going through the turnstile and down the stairs (the next train's coming in 3 minutes). Look at those around you...what they're doing, what they're wearing. Make up stories in your head about where they're going and what they did the night before...I find it very amusing. The commute in to the city always seems to be a little shorter when I think that I'm better off because I'm not wearing sneakers with dress pants or carrying around a big purse to make up for the short comings of my small and measley self confidence and personality!

Love you, mean it!

JJ

You're a man...So Listen and Keep Your Mouth Shut!

2008-11-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

So the other day I decide to attend a party that my good friend's boyfriend was throwing. I'll refer to her as Ms. Procras. She has her own blog about her inability to be on time anywhere, which you can read later if you're feeling the need to make yourself feel better about the importance of punctality.

Anyway...

This party was a "Pre-Thanksgiving Celebration" type thing slash Fall Party slash a big excuse for all the straight boys to coordinate their outifts with hues of brown, yellow, and burnt orange...gag me! So, with that being said I wore a brown button up shirt stripped with light blue and a scarf that matched the whole ensemble. We of course, were late to the party due to the fact that Ms. Procras procrastinated painting her nails and packing for her trip out of town the next day. She decided to skip putting on a base coat for the sake of time...Thank goodness we rescued an additional five minutes becuase that would have been the deal breaker for the evening!

So we arrive at the party and I, of course, begin judging everyone in the room. Being that I'm the only gay male I was looked upon with strange looks from the men and eager ones from the girls. (Every girl loves a gay!) So my friend and I make our rounds and say hi to people we know, including her cutie boyfriend whom I'll call Arnold Schwarzenshortie. We sit down and proceed to discuss everyone's outfit and how most of the girls look like whores and most of the men like frat boys....all told Tranny Central!

We come to one person in particular, where we proceed to discuss the back story between her and Ms. Procras. There really isn't much to tell other than the girl's a bitch which I deemed true upon my first verbal encounter with her. Keep in mind she's a red head wearing a big scarf and a mismatched vest and ugly flats...GOOD. BYE. So Ms. Procras tells Arnold about how our dislike of this Tranny who is ruining our party experience but NOT to say anything to her or anyone about it.

As a man in a relationship with a woman...one should understand that when the girlfriend states opinions and concerns, in confidence, its not meant to be told to other people. It just creates more drama and makes the girl look like a bitch, when, in fact, she was just stating an opinion.

Well that is exactly what happened Mr. Schwartzenshortie told the roommate who told the girl who then came up to Ms. Procras and well the story is history from there...

Long story short...shut your mouth men. We girls aren't telling you things because we want you to do something about it...believe me we'll tell you if we want you to spring in to action! Otherwise sit there and give the occasional nod; its what you put on this earth to do, that and good sex so make sure you keep that up too ;)

Ciao!